LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
The United Nations is under pressure to officially condemn orange juice after the fruit beverage launched a vicious attack on a set of freshly brushed teeth.
In the developing situation, incompetent university student Jamie Dwyer (19) received a brutal strike attack to his freshly brushed teeth after swigging a mouthful of orange juice directly from a bottle that did not belong to him.
At first, young Dwyer mistook the attack as an anti-theft measure from whichever housemate buys the orange juice he helps himself to only a daily basis but learnt it was due to sipping the citrus juice shortly after brushing his teeth, a thing he has never done before.
“This is why I don’t brush my teeth in the morning,” stated the irate Dwyer at a candlelight vigil in support of the attack victims.
“I may never wash my teeth again. What does orange juice have to say for itself?”
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has made a statement asking leaders of the citrus community to come forward and report all suspicious behaviour to stop attacks like this.
He has also advised dopey uni students like Jamie Dwyer to not drink orange juice after brushing your teeth because for fuck’s sake it’s not that hard to remember and no one really needs to drink orange juice after you turn 12.