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Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today braved the smoke of Canberra to announce that the Federal Government will establish a new agency aimed at doing all the stuff he should have been orchestrating before his decision to go on a resort holiday to Hawaii in the peak of the NSW bushfire season.
After being unable to continue pointing his finger at the lacklustre response from overwhelmed state governments, Scotty From Marketing has today unveiled The National Bushfire Recovery Agency which will support the respective premiers who’ve constituents have been ravaged by climate-changed aided bushfires since October.
Today’s press conference appeared to be the first with an air of genuine optimism, as opposed to the usual marketing style of optimism, as the government appeared to take credit for the ‘easing conditions’ caused by miraculous rainfall on the NSW south coast.
Joined by his deputy, Mick From The Wagga Office, the Prime Minister has today made some form of a concession when it comes to actually spending money on the climate challenge that scientists have been warning us about for decades.
“We’re focused on the financial cost, we’re focused on the human costs, and ensuring we can do everything we can, as quickly as we can, to support that recovery effort.” said Scotty, while McMormack cherished the opportunity to replace his rival Nat MP David Littleproud as the token bushie who flanks our nation’s Pentecostal leader.
When asked whether the Morrison Government would still be able to deliver a surplus, Scotty From Marketing pointed out that, while rapidly shrinking, the extortionate amount of money that was squirrelled away during the mining boom that caused this disaster hasn’t been 100% squandered on franking credits for post-war retirees.
“The surplus is of no focus for me whatsoever. What matters to me is the human cost and meeting whatever cost we need to meet”.
In a daring gesture aimed at calming down his panicked nation of non-believers, Scotty then briefly removed his P2 smoke mask to show that things aren’t really as bad as the leftists at the ABC will have you believe in their round-the-clock bushfire updates.
“How bout those bloody Kiwis haha” he laughed.
“Talk about a bunch of chokers. If it’s too smokey in the kitchen, get out!”
The PM then received a subtle tug on his sleeve from Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, also known as Josh From Accounts, the only member of the front bench with the interpersonal skills to identify how innapropriate it is to constantly refer to test cricket in times of disaster.
“Oh sheesh… Sorry!” said Scotty.
“Yeah, um, I just wanna say thanks to Jacinda for providing all the extra firefighters et cetera et cetera”
“How Good’s New Zealand!”