IN-Focus

Young People Told To Get The Astro Zucchini So Boomers Will Try To Take That From Them, Too

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Chief Medical Officer has asked the nation's young people to go out and demand the Astro Zuchinni death serum jab so the Boomers will start demanding it simply because young people are getting something they aren't. People over 50 have been told they're getting the safe Astro Zucchini but as they're nothing but handbrakes...

Queensland Media Refuse To Name And Shame Victorian Woman Because She Probably Looks Like This

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Queensland media today has declined the opportunity this morning to name and shame the fucking Melbourne person that so selfishly thought the lockdown rules didn't apply to them because they probably look like the woman in the picture above. "We know who it is," said one Courier-Mail staff writer who spoke to The Advocate...

Victorian Caught With The St Kilda Sneeze In QLD Was On Kamikaze Trip To Ruin Origin, Says Courier-Mail

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The South-East Corner Newsletter is reporting this afternoon that the Victorian woman who brought "that fucking" St Kilda Sneeze up here into God's Country was on her way to Townsville to ruin Origin. Leaving Melbourne to escape the lockdown, the Courier-Mail explained person arrived on the Sunshine Coast a few days ago and was caught...

Acting PM Starts Day By Eating 500g Of Prosciutto Alone In Car Outside Wagga’s Knights Deli

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Acting Prime Minister Michael McCormack has celebrated his first day back at the nation's leader by treating himself to half a kilo of processed meat out the front of Wagga's Knights Deli on Fitzmaurice. "It's a morning ritual of mine," he told The Advocate this morning. "Whenever I'm back home in the Riverina, I...

Renewable Sector On The Verge Of Major Breakthrough After Matching Coal Industry On Bribes

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australia is on the precipice of a clean energy renaissance after the renewable sector matched bribes and political donations from the coal industry for the first time. Political donations, subsidies and simple bribes have underpinned the Australian energy sector for close to a decade and largely dictate policy surrounding the generation of power and...

“Am I Just A Pig In A Cage On Antibiotics Or Have I Been Listening To Too Much Radiohead?” Man Asks Himself On The Bus To Work

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A young professional told this masthead that he experienced a mild existential crisis on the D45 bendy bus from the Heights into town this morning. The confused youngster spoke to our reporter in the smoking alcove beside the River Road Bus Interchange waiting room, out in the June wind. "I am a programmer for a...

Millennials Dealt A Further Blow After Science Declares They’ll Probably Live To Be 120

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Science continues to spit in the face of God this week as they announce that Millennials and generations younger will probably have to suffer the indignity of living to be 120 years old. That means people under 30 are looking at spending close to 40 years of retirement, providing science is only focusing on...

Family Lives The New Australian Dream Of Barely Being Able To Pay Mortgage On Yardless Display Home

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local family has finally secured the opportunity to spend the next 45 years struggling to pay off a hyper-inflated asset at record low interest rates. Betoota Heights man David Rutger explained to our reporter today that after almost a decade of working almost non-stop, over-coming giant personal and professional hurdles, begging, borrowing and stealing,...

ABC’s David Anderson Dumps Bowl Of Yoghurt Over Christian Porter’s Head In Parliament House Lunchroom

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The ABC managing director has taken it upon himself this morning in the Parliament House lunchroom to dump a bowl of name-brand yoghurt on former Attorney-General Christian Porter's head. The aggressive display of dominance comes after Porter decided to spare the ABC (and the taxpayer) a humiliating defeat in the Federal Courts in his defamation...

Nation Tunes Into Merlino Press Conference To Learn Which New Way Victoria Has Shit The Bed This Time

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When Acting Victorian Premier James Merlino speaks, the nation listens. As the defacto leader of the city-state of Melbourne, it is his responsibility to inform the rest of the country how and when Victoria has shit the bed. Recently, it's been several times a day. Speaking to the media this morning in Melbourne, Merlino had...

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