IN-Focus

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A lost boy of London has lost his last excuse to stay there this month as the rabid south of the country begins to welcome Australians home from overseas without having to suffer in the indignity of hotel quarantine. For the past two years, former French Quarter resident Martin Pooley's social and professional life has...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has all but put his feet up until Glasgow now after, in his own words, he's headed the cats home and got our plan for Net Zero by 2050 over the line. Speaking to the media this afternoon from the "bloody Kingo" down the road from Parliament House, Scott Morrison said now...

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact In brain dead local news, a Betoota Heights woman has asked friends to keep the hot chips away from her after she pretty much pumped the whole bowl during an afternoon session down at the Lake Betoota Surf Club. Speaking from the heart, Ween Norman said she just cannot help herself when french fries...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The most locked-down city in the world will emerge finally from their latest societal freeze tonight at midnight in what the Victorian Premier Dan Andrews calls the granting of the wishes of his many and varied critics. "Get busy living or get busy dying, you old toffs," said Andrews today in Melbourne. "You've got your wish,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has released a short statement this afternoon saying he regrets going to see Greens leader Adam Bandt this afternoon with the goal of getting him to loosen up his definition of what carbon actually is. "I wanted to see if the Greens would come around a bit, which I admit was my...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local publican is offering to pay handsomely for the right casual bartender as the nation grapples with a shortage of young foreigners to exploit. Norman Gordon, the publican of the Royal Lord Commercial Courthouse Railway Hotel in our town's fabled Old City District, is offering a company car, car space, paternity or maternity leave,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An art school student from our town's bohemian French Quarter says he's found the perfect car to complete his aesthetic. The vehicle that Kevin Bentpole showed our reporter was a high-kilometre Volvo stationwagon from the early 90s that looked to be completely rooted inside and out. "I just love the way it looks," he said. "And no,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Back where this latest outbreak of the Pangolin's Wrath began, a cafe owner is lamenting the fact that he can't open now that the restrictions in Sydney have been all but lifted because he doesn't have a steady stream of exploitable backpackers to work for him. Speaking from the heart, Wally Ortofellashio explained candidly to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Some cunt's son from our town's leafiest enclave has said he's fine with having an accountant with zero qualifications in environmental science decide the nation's climate future. Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has the other Deputy Prime Minister Scott Morrison by the balls and he won't let go until the latter agrees to pretty...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Reserve Bank of Australia has declared that the Government cannot hide from a net zero future today as state and territory governments around the country make plans without Federal guidance. In response, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has told journalists that he has accepted the RBA's challenge and looks forward to showing the country he...