IN-Focus

Dinner Ruined After Lunchtime Party Pie Burns Living Shit Out Of Mouth

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An ordinary day on the tools has turned sour for one West Betootanese carpenter after an innocent lunchtime party pie left him with first-degree burns to the roof of his mouth. Hired to construct a cubby house for a local banker's child, local chippy Henry Washbrook and his two offsiders had lunch prepared by the...

Report: Girlfriend’s Group Chat Is Pretty Full On

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Katie, a mild mannered local PR account director is actually an absolute sex pest when it comes to the deep dark archives of her girls-only group chat, it has been confirmed. While not often revealing too much about her degenerate Whatsapp alias, recent findings show that Katie and her friends are extremely vulgar, sexually charged voyeurists. Her boyfriend Karl, was given a...

“How Ya Goin?” Says Third Schooner

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Even though it's only fairly early on this arvo, a third schooner is looking like a good idea, it has been confirmed. While nipping into his local to meet a few of his mates who share the same marital status and flakey attitude towards work, 29-year-old James Ropedale says he reckons this third schooey is going to go down...

Apple Asks Customers To Avoid Discussing The Outside World With Genius Bar Staff

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report from the Australian Consumer Advocacy Group, CHOICE, has found that the average Apple genius bar employee is unable to hold a conversation that covers more than 2-3 non-Apple related discussion points. CHOICE spokesman, Professor Elle Hardie says that anything beyond 'how ya going?' is almost too much for most 'geniuses' and that anything related to...

Uber Passenger Launches Into The Same Boring How Long Ya Been Doing This Shit

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Uber passenger, Mark Madden has just jumped straight into the same fucking conversation he's had twice a week for the last three years, today. The hospitality worker from Betoota's Old Quarter found himself at a loss for conversation with an extremely chirpy Uber driver. Mark starts with the usual shit. "How long you been driving for" - Only to learn...

Toasted Sandwich Filling ‘Can Melt Steel’ According To Government Study

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A week-long study into toasted sandwich filling conducted by Australia's peak scientific body has concluded that the molten food stuff is 'more than able' to melt steel beams. Earlier today, the CSIRO released a statement to the media outlining the findings - which failed to surprise any red-blooded Australian raised on the popular dish. The type of...

Bloke Who Went Fishing For First Time Last Week Says His New Nano PX 762 Is Best Rod Out

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A bloke who went fishing last weekend, for the first time since his childhood, is now really a fishing guy, it has been confirmed. While even claiming to have a few 'secret spots' - East Betoota man Ed Davison (27) is today flaunting his new Shimano Tcurve Nano PX 762 & Rarenium CI4+ 1000FB 1-3kg Spin Combo fishing rod to...

Local Woman Still Not That Interesting Even After Getting A Wrist Tattoo

PUTNEY SWOPE | Lifestyle | CONTACT A local woman finds that people still deem her uninteresting despite having just gotten a wrist tattoo. Evelyn Mitchells, 24, currently working as a “retail specialist” at Zara, opted to stencil her wrist with a psychedelic butterfly design while on a recent trip to Bali. “I know it looks like something you see on the front of a...

Despite Swimming In Credit Card Debt, Local Student Casually Starts Planning Next Holiday

ERROL PARKER| Editor-at-large | Contact With the memories of New York in fall still fresh in her heart, a South Betootanese occupational therapy student has escaped her dire financial situation by casually mulling over the possibility of another overseas holiday before the end of the financial year. Returning from the Big Apple on the first of December, Denise Rochester spoke to...

Rural Teenager Enjoying That Brief Phase Of Adolescence That Isn’t Devastated By Ice

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Rural, but town-based, teenager Leon Needham (14) is really enjoying life at the moment. He's got a girlfriend, playing A's rugby in the age group above and is discovering his flair with creative writing. Down at the river with his dad this afternoon, Leon starts thinking about life after school. Maybe he might move to the...

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