IN-Focus

Queenslanders: “Annastacia, Hard Border Now. Chop Chop. My Grandpa Is Not Ready To Die”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Inaction right now will cost the lives of countless Queenslanders, that's the message that South-East Corner Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk is receiving today from people all over the nation's greatest state. Speaking on behalf of people in that part of Queensland, a young Brisbane woman has demanded that Annastacia put up a wall to stop the...

“Do I Have The Virus – Or Am I Just Uncaffinated And A Bit Sad?” East Coast Man Asks Himself Each Morning

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An older man who lives out on the east coast in some sort of settlement beside the sea has woken this morning and told The Advocate that he thinks he might have the Pangolin's Revenge silently sleeping within him. It's either that, Douglas Toomey says, or it might be the fact he didn't really have...

Dutton Says He’s Thoroughly Enjoyed His Iso Project Of Catching And Killing Indian Myna Birds

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Defence Minister is currently halfway through a 14-day isolation after getting sucked into the Indooroopilly delta cluster earlier this month but Peter Dutton said that hasn't slowed him down. Mr Dutton spoke briefly with The Advocate today, once again thinking that he was speaking to this masthead's crosstown rival, The Betoota Bugle, which is...

Gladys: “Sydney To Come Out Of Lockdown Once We’ve Beaten Melbourne’s Lockdown Record”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The roadmap for the nation's weeping anal fissure to come out of lockdown has been revealed today. Sydney will come out of lockdown on Tuesday, the 18th of October - 113 days after the lockdown began. That will mean that the Harbour City would've been in lockdown for one day longer than the rat people of...

Brad The Breakfast Sausage In A Suit Offers To Tell Off The Mean Journalists For Gladys If She Likes

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Hero Of The Pandemic Brad Hazzard has offered to yell at reporters today for Premier Gladys Berejiklian because he did the same for Dr Kerry Chant yesterday and it was received well by the public. "I can speak for you," said Brad. "I won't let them bully you or ask you questions. The mean journalists have...

Report: Why Do The Blokes Who Wanna Let The Virus Rip Always Look Like They’d Be First To Die?

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A new report commissioned by the nation's peak scientific body has concluded that it's almost always the people who'd be among the first to die from the super spicy cough that wants it to be let loose on society at large. Australians such as Clive Palmer and George Christensen, who've both been openly ridiculed in...

PM: “Net Zero By 2050 Is Irrelevant Because Most Of My Government Will Be Dead By Then”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister responded to claims made by a group of international leaders that humanity is facing a 'code red emergency' when it comes to climate change. Responding, Scott Morrison explained that the popular international policy to reach net-zero carbon emissions by 2050 is completely irrelevant and pointless because most of his government - and...

Byron Panic Buyers Strip Personal Bidets From Supermarket Shelves As Lockdown Comes Into Effect

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Devices used to blast faeces from the bleached arseholes of Byron residents have been stripped from supermarket shelves throughout the Northern Rivers today as the so-called lockdown begins across the region. The hottest item in the area is a personal bidet, according to data provided by Woolworths and the countless residents of the area taking...

WA Premier Mark McGowan Goes Into Isolation After Admitting He Was In NSW Back In 1968

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The West Australian Parliament has been plunged into chaos this afternoon as the State’s Premier Mark McGowan admitted to being in a medium-risk jurisdiction. Mark McGowan told police and media today that back in 1968, he was in New South Wales. New South Wales was declared a 'medium-risk' jurisdiction by the WA Government back in 1935...

North-West NSW Farmers Say They Just Want A Bit Of Recognition For Their Sacrifices

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Sydney Sneeze has jumped the fence and is now coursing through the veins and arteries of regional NSW, which had their fancy Michelle Pfieffer jabs stolen by the government to give to Year 12 students in the 8 LGAs in Sydney that have gone to shit. In response to that, people from affected communities...

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