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Tasmanian Jack Jumpers Begin One Final March To Claim NBL Title Against Melbournegard

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The fabled Tasmanian JackJumpers have today begun their slow but steady march towards an NBL title. The JackJumpers team are famous for being made up of sentient humanoid tree like beings that stand at nearly 4 metres tall, who generally mind their own business unless being attacked by outside forces. They are the National Basketball League's newest but...

14 Dead At US School After Disgruntled Student Walks In With A Semi-Automatic TikTok

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some sad but very predictable news from the home of the brave and the land of the free,* a local school is dealing with another tragedy after a disgruntled student entered the grounds with a loaded semi-automatic TikTok. It's believed to be tenth mass casualty caused by the app this year, all but ensuring that law makers...

Footloose 2 Taking Place Entirely Online

LOUIS BOURKE | Culture | Contact 40 years later and Footloose 2 is finally here although lovers of traditional movies may be disappointed. Instead of a young Kevin Bacon moving to a town where dancing and rock music are banned, every youth in America are facing the prospect of a TikTok ban after US congress issues the Chinese app with a sell or get out...

Boyfriend’s Canceled Sunday Session Sees Him Quietly Singing Along To Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour 

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A moderately hungover local man has today caught himself humming along to a number of Taylor Swift songs - despite spending a lengthy period of time pretending he wasn’t a big fan of the US megastar.  Lying on the couch with the remnants of some deep fried chicken festering away on the coffee table and a smearing of oil...

8 Healthy Habits You Should Immediately Quit To Focus On Princess Kate’s Whereabouts 

LOUIS BOURKE | Culture | Contact We all love a good royal scandal and by ‘we’ I mean people with not much else on, both as a regular member of society and as a journalist whose writing career hasn’t quite panned out the way they hoped. Apart from ‘who cares’, the biggest criticism of the #WhereIsKate movement is ‘who has time for this crap?’  Well the...

Swiftie Girlfriend Who Missed Out On Tickets, Blocks Out 48 Hours For Eras Tour Film Repeats

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A young woman from Betoota’s Flight Path District has today cleared her schedule for the weekend.  Mish Worthington (28) has told a number of friends and family that she will be unavailable for contact or face to face time over the next 48 hours - as a result of the new Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour (Taylor’s Version) concert...

Nation That Spread Asbestos Through Every Playground In Their Largest City Now Keen On Nuclear Power

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has this week amped up his claims to turn Australia into a nuclear powered utopia. The staunch advocate for alternatives to coal and gas has hit the media trail to claim that nuclear power is the way forward for our great southern land. Despite doing absolutely nothing to progress the nuclear case during his...

Report: Well That Was A Stressful 24 Hours

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn a revelation that solidifies the notion that the English might be a tad sensitive, recent updates disclose that Matildas captain Sam Kerr's so-called 'torrent of racial abuse' was, in fact, her labelling a British cop as a 'stupid white bastard' during a spat over a taxi fare in Twickenham last year. This comes after a very intense 24...

NZ Cricket Chef Rolls Out Red Carpet For Lunch, Treating Aussies To Luxurious ‘Muxed Grull’

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact After having a bit of a tough time with the bat, the Australian cricket team has today had their spirits cheered a little. The cause for the upending of the frown, came from New Zealand Cricket hiring the countrys most fabled 'sheff' - Grant Van Nisberg-Mehrtens - to feed the visiting team for lunch. Deciding to treat the...

Rugby Australia Put The Finishing Touches On Menu For This Weekend’s Super Round In Melbourne

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's brightest and most innovative rugby minds have today given themselves a long lunch, after ticking off a big item on the agenda - the food for Super Round. Super Round is supposed to take place in Melbourne this weekend, with the geniuses who market the game putting it on the same week the NRL goes to...

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