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Cafe Patron Earns Staff Respect By Letting Them Know He’s In A Hurry

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Cafe staff in French Quarter artisanal coffee roaster and cafe Bean Index have got their nominations ready for the next Australian of the year.  The three person barista team thought they had met every type of customer during their first few months of business but only met a true alpha male during this morning’s ‘coffee rush.’ ‘Coffee rush’ is the...

“Get Around It” Says Mate Arriving Back From Bar With A Round Of Very Weird Drinks

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local dipshit has left his mates shaking their heads this afternoon, it can be confirmed. Dale Pooley has done so after turning up at his rapidly loudening table of mates with a very weird round of drinks. "Aha get around it," he says to a his friends who are looking on with confusion at what the fuck...

Peter Dutton Books Cardi B And Megan Thee Stallion In For Anzac Day At Parliament House

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some exciting news for the nation, Peter Dutton has made a big announcement regarding ANZAC Day this year. The recently appointed Defence Minister has revealed that US megastars Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion have been booked to perform at the Parliament House Anzac Day ceremony this year. The massive headline booking comes after the recent success...

“Christine Holgate Is Our Rosa Parks” Says Inner-City Corporate Lawyer At Big 6 Law Firm

INGRID DOULTON | Culture | Contact As the fallout from Christine Holgate's Senate Inquiry appearance continues, the societal importance of the saga has today been quantified by one of her overnight disciples in the corporate sector. "Christine Holgate is our Rosa Parks," explained 55-year old commercial litigation specialist and recently outed suffragette Ellie Minterson today, referencing the famous African-American civil rights activist. "Like...

Victoria Police Investigate Reports Of A Bendigo Man Getting Married In Portsea

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Portsea residents are today being told to be wary of a man who may be asking for directions to the nearest bowls club, after reports that a Bendigonian allegedly tied the knot in the seaside town over the weekend. In a press conference earlier today, the head of Victoria Police confirmed whispers of a suspected culture clash in...

“All Modern Music Sounds The Same” Says Bloke Who Can Tell The Difference Between AC/DC Songs

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Although no one is sure how it happened, someone let uncle of 12 and fulltime Gen Xer ‘Uncle’ Roari Lund (56) listened to triple j. Needless to say, the self-confessed lover of “real f**king music” was not too impressed by the selection of modern music he heard during the 15 minutes he listened to the youth radio station. “This song...

Tony Abbott Takes Paid Leave From Unemployment After Death Of His Most Important Constituent

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister turned unemployable baby boomer, Tony Abbott, has today announced that he will be taking a time of paid leave from his obligations to his cycling mates and the cafes of Manly. This follows the news that his most valued constituent, The Duke Of Edinburgh, has passed away peacefully at the age of 99. Tony Abbott has been...

Australia Mourns Man Who Hated Us

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australians young and old, mostly old, have today come together to remember the life and times of a man who wanted nothing to do with us. Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh and husband of Queen Elizabeth II, has officially carked it, the royal family announced last night. The world’s most high profile plus-1 was aged 99, just short...

Byron Incense Retailer Hates To Say I Told You So But Even The PM Doesn’t Trust Big Pharma Now

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Byron mother of three earth children has weighed in on the AstraZeneca saga today, revealing she's feeling rather vindicated. Get up to speed on the news quick smart with our short audio updates with our Daily News Bulletin. Listen and subscribe on your platform of choice. "I mean, I hate to be that person, but I kinda...

Wollongong Man Nods To His Steelworker Ancestors As He Runs Cold Water Over Hot Frying Pan

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Though you wouldn’t know just by looking at him, local businessman Stewart Nelson comes from a long line of steelworkers. Or that’s what he’d like to believe anyway. Despite being your typical nine to five office worker who’s never lifted anything heavier than a pencil, Stewart believes deep down that he’d be quite good on the tools. This...

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