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Report: What The Fuck Is Going On Here?

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a story that continues to get dodgier by the week, Christian Porter has resigned from Cabinet over the weekend. The former Attorney-General has stepped down from the government's front bench, after clinging on for as long as he could and vowing not to step down. In a lengthy statement attacking the ABC for wanting to report on...

Single Girls In Friendship Circle Complain About Their IBS And Gluten Intolerance Instead Of A Man

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A group of girls has decided to switch things up today, choosing to talk about their raging stomach issues instead of shitty boys. This is said to have snowballed from one of the girls sending a picture of her severely bloated stomach, which was a result of consuming just one small bowl of pasta. Captioning it as ‘I look fucking...

“It’s The Next Generation Of Seltzer,” Says Mate After Discovering Japanese Alcohol Concoction

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man is carrying on today, it can be confirmed. Tom Mitchell has been convicted of doing so this weekend, after acting like he’s the first person to ever discover a niche alcoholic drink before.  “Oi, have one of these,” he yelled at a mate after obnoxiously walking into the gathering with a case on his shoulder.  Continuing to carry...

Abundance of New 9/11 Docos Briefly Fill The Void Left By Wall To Wall Footy

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As we reach two decades since the 9/11 attacks, there is an abundance of new documentaries dissecting the profound impact of the September 11 attacks, just in time to fill the empty void left by a lack of things like Thursday Night Footy. 20 years after the world-altering terrorist attack, westerners are still consuming documentaries about the attack that...

$90 Billion Nuclear Powered Subs To Bring Australia Out Of Lockdown In Time For Christmas

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Locked down Australians are getting ready to say a big hello to freedom as $90 billion worth of nuclear powered submarines are coming to our nation girt by sea. During a teleconference that many mistook for the worst episode of Gogglebox yet, US President Joe Biden, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson and our very own Scotty from Marketing announced...

Liberals Wait A Good 3 Weeks Before Joining America In Another War We Will Also Likely Lose

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The prime minister, Scotty From Marketing, announced on Thursday morning that Australia would be paying $500 million dollars to rip up its multi-billion dollar submarine contract with the French - so that he can sign a new deal with the US and UK. For Scotty, It's a political play that kills two birds with one stone: 1, skipping...

China Panics After Learning They’ve Only Got 25 Years Until Australia Gets 8 New Submarines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT According to Scotty From Marketing's newest announcement aimed at drowning out the news that Christian Porter MP is paying his legal fees through a blind trust that has been topped up with millions of dollars by a faceless stranger who he has never met, Australia is getting eight cool new submarines! Yesterday it was announced that several cabinet...

Dan Promises To Remove Troops From Demilitarized Zone At Wodonga Once 90% Jab Rate Is Achieved

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT There's some end in sight for the border community of Albury-Wodonga today. With the state of Melbourne slowly catching up to its northern neighbours, Premier Dan Andrews has revealed the light at the end of the tunnel for some of its regional constituents. "Once 90% of the population has received their first jabs, we will be removing our...

Mate, Have A Look Around… No One Gives A Fuck About Your Foreign Made Nuclear Submarines

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In news that millions of locked down residents have been dying to hear, Australia will have nuclear-powered submarines at some point in the future. With the country battling through an economic and health crisis as a result of the appalling failures by the federal government, Scotty from Marketing has fronted cameras to announce his big win. The submarines,...

Local Big Unit Begins Working On His Summer Rig After Being Inspired By Kim Jong Un’s Glow Up

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Betoota Dolphins 3rd Grade prop, Rick Chassis (37) has today laced up the ASICS and pounded them into the dirt track out the back of the Flight Path District golf course. After years of slowly adding layers to his dense husk, the local woodwork teacher has finally decided enough is enough, and is today starting his weight...

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