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EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As local bloke Samuel Johnston lies in bed and stares at the ceiling, he finds himself in a terrible conundrum. You see, he has a sneaking suspicion that his alarm should be going off any second now. Or even worse, it should have rung already. But if he concedes defeat and rolls over to check his phone, he may lose...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact As automotive manufacturers try to one-up each other with increasingly sophisticated technology, a popular addition to the dashboard of many new cars is Push-To-Start, a simple system whereby the vehicle can be started with the push of a button rather than the twist of a key. But at least one motorist doesn’t see what all the fuss is...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A group of friends have had a rather concerned telepathic conversation today after they were introduced to their mate’s new girlfriend. While the group were out for their socially acceptable group training session they came across their mate, Jeff, and his new girlfriend Jess. Unable to comment aloud, the group began conversing telepathically. “Dude, does anyone else think Jeff and Jess...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman, Eliza Thompson isn’t exactly sure why she’s so enamoured by true crime shows. Or why she seems to enjoy watching them completely alone, late at night. If she were to think deeply about it, it could be because, as a woman, she’s attempting to pick up some survival skills. Or to figure out what she might...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Looking at him now, you’d never have known local bloke Phillip Edwards had a long history of battling the black dog. He seems like a happy go lucky type of bloke, and, considering his profession, not exactly the type of person who’d speak up about his dark thoughts over a Breaka and pie. Especially given that his industry...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It has long been acknowledged that drinking at home allows for a more experimental and less costly inebriation where societal norms are brushed aside and NRL careers are marred forever. A pitfall of binging on home-styled beverages is the squeaky wheel effect of the non-alcoholic mixing ingredients including the tickled throat of orange juice mixed with goon as well...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Local Tinder creep Lindsey Simmons has been forced to resort to 19th century technology to perform his role as a habitual sender of dick pics to women who never asked for them.  Simmons’ troubles began when he accidentally left the phone on the roof of his car on Tuesday, before driving to work. Although he was able to drive...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Local Boomer Sue Morose has received attention for a unique skill; the ability to accurately predict the number of likes and shares her pointlessly melancholy facebook shitposts will generate. Sue’s posts, sourced from a complex network of similar attention-seekers, generally feature an object of pity; an injured child, a deformed animal, a homeless veteran, above a caption which summarises their situation...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As he snuggles deeper into the blankets, a clear-headed Adrian Walker feels pleased with his decision to forego drinks last night. The thirty-year-old had allegedly pinballed between staying in and heading out, going so far as to put on his best pair of dress shoes before hesitating at the door. It’s not like he doesn't like to have...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A young real estate agent has allegedly been shunned by the entire team at ‘Betoota  Heights Realtors’, for not adopting the appropriate dress code, it’s reported. Gianni Linettit-Gardiner was allegedly doing quite well with his real estate initiation, having bought a few rotating pairs of boat shoes, a couple of suits from Tarocash and an expensive watch. He’d...