Breaking News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Local woman Ella Clarke is done with the bullshit. There’s only so much one person can take and Ella’s bullshit quota has been sucked dry. After nine months of on-again, off-again nonsense, Ella is finally doing what she should have done ages ago - letting Jack go. Of course this decision can’t be reached without a long consultation...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman Claire Mathieson likes to think she doesn’t care what people think of her - but that’s a flat out lie. Though the twenty-five year old exhibited a casual style of Instagram posting, made evident by the number of candid, out of focus shots of her friends at parties and weird out of context images, it was all...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has today taken a break from his quarantine photoshoots to address all the stuff that's been in the news about those blokes that Kerry Stokes makes him sit next to at those big Christmas parties in Perth. This follows a week of inconvenient headlines for a government solely reliant on nationalism and misplaced military...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local regional dad has today shown an uncharacteristically tender side to his personality after his youngest daughter Katie made an effort with her appearance for the first time. Phil Gordon had just finished spraying the yard when he’d ventured indoors for a bottle of VB and settle in for the news. Unbeknownst to him, Katie was just...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Council administrator Eileen Coulter (26) doesn't know what to believe anymore after finding herself drumming her fingers to a song she was previously certain that she did not like. During her morning drive to work, Coulter made the puzzling decision to listen to commercial radio which usually gives listeners a 50% chance of hearing a song by Canadian rapper...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Like many Australians with a respiratory system, recently redundant e-commerce specialist Garth Gould (32) of Betoota Heights is having an absolute bomb of a year. “I lost my job due to COVID, had to move back with mum & dad and can’t really afford the therapy right now,” stated Gould as he Googled possible reasons why his ‘97 Hyundai...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news from the city of Brisbane, 'the worst Queensland side in 40 years' actually isn't too bad. In hindsight, they're actually pretty fucking good, it can be confirmed. This follows the 20-14 win over the Blues in the State of Origin decider at Lang Park last night, clinching a 2-1 series win. The win that...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the decider draws perilously close, Queensland fans across the state and the country are beginning to get pretty wound up, it can be confirmed this evening. With kick off just around the corner, a few local Queenslanders here in Betoota Heights are at fever pitch. Taking a break from watching Paul Gallen talk about how this Queensland Origin team, which won...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In what will be a big win for the Queensland economy and lovers of the morally grey touching of strangers, QLD Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has given the nod for naked foam parties to take place in Fortitude Valley following a Maroon Victory in State of Origin game 3.  The origin decider will be played at Suncorp Stadium to the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Betoota Ponds electrician, Keiran Nutley (27) has today once again dismissed the actions of the Australian Federal Police as nothing but a right-wing smear campaign. While he may have a point when it looking at the last couple of high-profile investigations by the AFP, it would seem that he doesn't seem to give a fuck about the ABC...