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“Day For It” Says Coronavirus Staring At A Packed Beach

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Nothing like some summer fun! As the springtime sun warms us without the deadly wrath of a climate-change-exacerbated summer sun the one and only place to be is the beach. The loosening of restrictions is calling all Australians to get loose by the sea including the nation’s newest, and most controversial resident, COVID-19. Upon arriving at a crowded beach with...

George Christensen Calls For Royal Commission Into Why Sizzler Is Closing Down

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT George Robert Christensen MP has today called for a Royal Commission into why Sizzler outlets are closing down across Australia. The rotund Member for Dawson has today announced that he can no longer remain silent over the fact that the nation’s favourite all-you-can-eat restaurant chain is disappearing in front of our very eyes. “The $14 dollar salad bar and buffet...

Outraged Andrew Bolt Condemns Trans-Tasman Bubble As Discrimination Against Non-LGBTI People

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Andrew Bolt has done his best to appease his insatiable appetite for causing controversy today, by condemning the government's plans to develop a travel bubble with New Zealand. Speaking from his desk in the ever emptying Sky News Studios, the outrage merchant who can't go a week without desperately desiring to see his name trend on Twitter (partly...

“How Is It Between These Two?” Asks Inner-City Leftie Who Cried When Latham Lost To Howard

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Claudia Wyatt-Bechey (56) says she's been feeling down all afternoon. Like hundreds of thousands of armchair cultural commentators from Australia's left-wing Twittersphere, her faith in the American political system has all but vanished today. This follows the chaotic first of three US Presidential debates, which took place at 11am AEST. President Trump and Joe Biden clashed over the Supreme Court, the...

Absolute Sicko Cooks Egg In Lunch Room Microwave

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In what some are calling a clear-cut case of domestic terrorism, Betoota Ponds local Marty Malone (34) cooked eggs in the lunch room microwave he shares with other people.  At approximately 1:30pm, Malone and his coworkers convened in their demountable lunch room for a well earned 2nd-morning tea. As his coworkers discussed podcasts and correct cooking temperatures for elk...

NRL Players Urged To Pull Their Finger Out After Adelaide Crows Nab First Offseason Headlines

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news, the NRL has issued a stern statement to all of it's non-finals bound players this morning - up your game. This follows the Adelaide Crows nabbing some headlines over the last 24 hours after a couple of its players were alleged stung with some 'illicit substances.' With 8 NRL teams out of finals contention...

Homeless Man Sentenced To 40 Years In Prison After Spitting On A Shore Boy

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A vagrant from North Sydney who usually lives under an overpass near the Harbour Bridge on-ramp has been handed two life sentences with absolutely zero chance of parole after spitting on an elite private school boy earlier this week. The homeless man, who suffers from a range of mental health issues that are rooted in a lifetime of trauma...

Personal Trainer Blissfully Unaware His Entire Family Use Him As The Example For “Shoulda Tried In School”

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT After spending countless years mindlessly wandering through life with a series of odd hospitality jobs, a local man Jason Swartz has finally found his true calling by becoming a personal trainer, it’s reported. Jason Swartz is rumoured to have been a former gifted child who unfortunately fell into the trap of believing he could achieve anything he...

Boyfriend Generously Explains The Highly Complicated Plot Twists In ‘Fast And The Furious’

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A Betoota Heights man has thoughtfully explained the highly complicated plot twist of Fast and The Furious today after he mistook his girlfriend’s silence for confusion, it’s reported. Will Silva had been both overjoyed and irrationally angry when his girlfriend Hannah had revealed she’d never seen Fast and the Furious. This was seen as strike two in his book, as...

Oakleigh Almost Confused For Athens After Papou Installs Decorative Fibreglass Balustrades

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After thirty years of renovating, local papou, Conrad Gerbouris (72) is finally content with his front porch. The post-war migrant made a vow to his wife in 1986 that there would not be a blade of grass within the boundaries of their entire workers cottage by the time grandkids came along. Today he can proudly say that the job...

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