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FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact A newly-released report has found that there is a 0% chance that driving away just as a mate is reaching for the vehicle’s external door handle will be anything other than hilarious. The report, commissioned by the Australian Centre for Vehicular Comedy found that all survey respondents exhibited strong signs of mirth when shown a video which depicted a vehicle driving off just...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Grumbling to herself as she picks bits of lint and tissue off some soggy wet uniforms, mum of two Sarah Wells pauses briefly to evaluate the absolute carnage before her. To the optimist, the speckle of white flecks aligning every piece of fabric could be considered almost... beautiful. But for Sarah, it’s just another nail in the coffin...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In the most predictable news to come out of the high-hedged mansions of Toorak today, Herald Sun columnist Andrew Bolt has written 1000 ten dollar words questioning the safety of face masks. According to his latest widely-circulated opinion column, for which he is likely paid up to a couple dollars per word, the loudest perpetuator of the Australian 'culture...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In a sign of the times, moderately popular rug store Crazy Sam’s Discount Rugs Closing Down Everything Must Go has announced a limit of 2 rugs per customer due to supply problems caused by COVID-19.   “The 2 rug limit is just a precaution to make sure we don’t run out of stock” said Crazy Sam’s Discount Rugs Closing...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local freelance photographer turned leading social media manager for one of Betoota's most powerful trade unions, Milton Newfarm (27), says the movement is more important than ever. With Australia's blue collar workforce growing increasingly unsafe in terms of heath and safety, as well as job security, Milton says his union needs to be ready for a spike in memberships. "COVID-19...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the second week of lockdown begins for the o-so-European city of Melbourne, bachelor Bradley Stubbs is in need of some assurance. The former-city working town-planner who’s now living alone, after his roommate disappeared back to his family home in some regional town in Victoria just days before the shutdown, has today asked his closest confidante to tell him everything’s going to be okay....

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local man has found himself experimenting in the kitchen, after marathoning his way through some Netflix cooking specials, it’s reported. David Templeman was feeling pretty inspired to ditch the usual canned beans on toast in favour of making something from scratch. However, his attempts at whipping together his first-ever cheesy carbonara was quickly quashed, when he...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Disaster was narrowly averted this week when café customer Tim Froth almost threw his spare change away for nothing. Recalling the close shave, property developer Tim describes the moment his fifty cents flashed before his eyes. “It was a close call, that’s for sure. I took the coffee, and I paid for it with a tenner. When I got my...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some news from the dimly lit board rooms of Wall Street and the United Nations building, the men and women who run the 'Big Mask Lobby' are today celebrating. After months of manipulating health authorities around the world, the people behind the powerful lobby have finally gotten their man. This comes as US President Donald Trump finally...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Reports of a situation are coming out of a Betoota Sounds home this morning after a bride-to-be is only just now realising the full effect social distancing rules will have on her wedding. Prior to this morning’s revelation, Bettina Calzone thought she could deal with only having 20 guest, but after realising there might only be a few people contributing to her wishing well she completely changed her...