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Thoughtful Tosser Leaves His Empty Coffee Cup On The Train For Someone Else

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT An altruistic local tosser has earnt a ton of praise this week, for a rather kind little gesture. Enjoying his daily commute to the soulless investment capital place he works at, Toz Er took it upon himself to generously leave his coffee cup behind for the next commuter to enjoy. “Just thought someone else might find a use for it,”...

Calls For ‘The Day My Bum Went Psycho’ To Be Banned Due To Problematic Portrayal Of Diarrhoea

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some news from the literary world today, book publishers are facing vocal demands to immediately cease publishing a famous Australian book. Following decisions by the Dr Seuss Foundation to stop publishing six books and Captain Underpants author Dav Pilkey to cancel a book, Australian author Andy Griffiths is now facing requests that he withdraw his childhood classic...

“That Wasn’t You Down There In Byron Was It? Haha” Every Builder In Brisbane Asks Apprentice

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As Brisbane remains in the midst of a snap three-day-lockdown, the construction industry continues to move forward as an essential service. However, the tradesmen right across the South-East corner of Queensland far-north NSW are at the centre of media scrutiny at the moment, as contact tracers begin to map out the source of the most recent outbreak in greater...

Calls For ‘The Day My Bum Went Psycho’ To Be Banned Due To Problematic Portrayal Of Diarrhoea

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some news from the literary world today, book publishers are facing vocal demands to immediately cease publishing a famous Australian book. Following decisions by the Dr Seuss Foundation to stop publishing six books and Captain Underpants author Dav Pilkey to cancel a book, Australian author Andy Griffiths is now facing requests that he withdraw his childhood classic...

Auctioneer Takes Fake Bidding Too Far; Accidentally Sells House To Magnolia Tree

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A lively auction has ended in farce yesterday after the rookie auctioneer accidentally sold the property to a Magnolia Tree which he was using as a fake bidder.   The impeccably restored Californian bungalow, in the heart of Betoota’s Croquet Belt looked set to challenge local price records with a healthy attendance and over 40 registered bidders. The economically-diverse crowd, made up...

Apprentice Sent Home After Turning Up To TAFE Without Bunnings Trade Shirt Uniform

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young Betoota Heights apprentice had a sad end to his day, after being kicked out of his TAFE class by his teacher yesterday. Brett James (17) was told to go home from class after he turned up without adhering to the dress code. "He didn't have a single item of free Bunnings trade shit," said his teacher...

Paid Leave Porter To Take His Dismissal As AG To The Fair Work Commission He Tried To Destroy

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In further developments to the controversy surrounding Christian Porter's alleged rape scandal, the Prime Minister has since opted to no longer offer any defence of the Attorney-General — who remains on leave until March 31. The Press Gallery is today reporting that Porter is set to be stripped of his Attorney-General portfolio as the Prime Minister seeks to cauterise the deepening...

PM Reassures Nation Things Are Totally Under Control By Firing Shots At His Murdoch Allies

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the allegations of severe sexual assault and harassment from Liberal Party ministers and staffers continue to mount up, the Prime Minister has today had to face the music. Morrison fought back tears as he pledged to improve the treatment of women in Parliament, once again bringing up his wife and daughters in an effort to present himself as...

Stressed Out Young Mother Just Waiting For Tracy Grimshaw To Tell Her Red Wine Is Healthy Again

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A frazzled young mother of three children under the age of 6 will again be checking out the free-to-air current affairs offerings tonight, in the desperate hope that the bottle of red wine at the back of the pantry will once again be healthy.   Erica Wright is in the unfortunate position of being health-conscious enough that she is mindful...

“How The Fuck Did I End Up Sitting Here With These Fucken Morons?” Frydenberg Wonders To Self

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Morrison government is getting it from all angles this week, as both the media and opposition continue to dig up more and more damning evidence over the government's treatment of a female staffer who alleges to have been raped 50 metres from the Prime Minister's office. On top of that, not even three professional photographers could paint Morrison's...

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