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Bloke Who Couldn’t Cut It In The Queensland Police Reckons We Should Trust Him To Handle China

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's Defence Minister has this week revealed how desperate his party is getting ahead of the federal election, by telling the nation that we need to prepare for war. Speaking yesterday, Dutton decided to politicise a sacred national day of remembrance by comparing China and Russia to Nazi Germany before World War II and urging the nation...

Bloke Who Hasn’t Had A Pay Rise In 9 Years Really Worked Up About Women’s Sport

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Betoota Ponds factory worker Norm Lieschke (45) states he is not someone who is into politics, which explains why he has been rather caught up in LNPs deadcatting strategy of making this election about trans women playing sport. Working in quality assurance and control for the last 20 years, Lieschke did once enjoy pay rises as part of the...

Softly-Spoken Science Teacher Books 8 Weeks Of Physio after Letting The Elbows Loose At Midnight Oil Concert

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A quiet science teacher is believed to have caused some self-inflicted ligament damage this week, giving himself permission to wildly swing the elbows at a Midnight Oil concert. A well-known environmental activist who encourages the use of keep cups at Betoota Ponds High School, it’s understood Mr Martin Hirst (52) was spotted strutting into the classroom enthusiastically...

Autistic Teenager Reveals He Feels Blessed That He Never Had To Have A Dad Like Scott Morrison

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A year 9 student at Betoota Heights High has today responded to the comments made by our Prime Minister last night. "I'm feeling blessed today," said young Brayden Williams this afternoon. "That I don't have a dad like Scott Morrison." Speaking in reference to Scott Morrison's comments during the leader's debate last night, Brayden says he isn't really...

Murdoch Newspapers Reports Opposition Leader Abused By BluesFest Crowds Yelling “G’day Albo”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As billionaire Liberal Party donor Gerry Harvey grows nervous that a Labor Government might force him to pay back the hundreds of millions of dollars his retail empire stole from the taxpayers through JobKeeper rorts, the Australian media outlets that survive off Harvey Norman advertisements have gotten to work to convince the nation that the most incompetent Prime...

“I Can’t Give You A Federal ICAC Because You Wouldn’t Vote For Us If You Knew What We Did,” Says PM

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has effectively abandoned his promise to establish a federal anti-corruption watchdog, citing his reason as Labor’s lack of support for his amendments - and how he would never win an election again if we all knew how corrupt the government really is. Although Scotty pledged to legislate a federal integrity body in parliament before the...

Local Atheist Has Bad Friday After Forgetting God’s Weird Bottle Shop Laws

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local atheist Dean Barnes (28) characteristically “can’t believe this crap” as his failure to remember God’s weird bottle shop laws is causing him to have a ‘Bad Friday.’ Known for being the most underrated holiday going around, the Easter Long Weekend provides believers and gentiles alike with four glorious days off kicking off with the curiously named Good Friday. Taking...

Nationals Vow To Build A Completely New Darwin Port To Make Up For Giving The Old One To China

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The National Party have this week revealed how they plan to fix on of the major bungles from their government's time in office. Speaking at a press conference in Darwin with a fancy new hat, Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce has promised 1.5 billion dollars in funding to build a completely new Port of Darwin. This comes after the...

Bloke That Overestimated JobKeeper By $60B Says Albo Cannot Be PM Because He’s Bad With Numbers

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The leaders of the Liberal Party have moved once again today to assure the nation that they are the safest pair of hands. Despite a chequered history of financial errors, the man who overestimated JobKeeper by $60 billion says that no one else but he and his party can be trusted with the nation's finances. "Just look at the...

Andrew Symonds Employed By NRL As Anti-Pitch Invader Expert

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The National Rugby League has today revealed its grand plan to stop the horde of pitch invaders plaguing their game. After a big weekend of fans jumping the fence to cause a scene out on the turf, the game's peak body has revealed they are calling in the big guns. "We have approached Andrew 'Roy' Symonds to come...

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