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Boring Partygoer Who Finally Thought Of Something Funny Crushed As Conversation Changes Topic

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A man whose defining personality trait is his job title has attempted to join a conversation, it’s reported. Steve Matthews, a ‘Big Four’ accountant, had been invited to a house party by his well-meaning missus but has reportedly had a hard time fitting in due to his thinly veiled superiority complex. Known for being a pretty big deal...

Home and Away Writer Fired For Not Reaching One Car Crash Scene Per Season Quota

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A Home and Away writer has today been fired after going against the norm and seriously breaching their contract. Clearly stipulated in bold, capital letters, writers were warned prior to joining the program that each season was to include at least ‘one-car crash’, a drug overdose and if possible, an explosion. The writer, who for legal purposes cannot...

Unsupervised Lads Strutting Into Cinema Unprepared For Furious Wrath Of Holiday Mums

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT An audacious gang of West Betoota lads are about to be knocked down a peg or three, unaware they’re walking into a very public lashing for their poor social behaviour. Strutting into the Hoyts cinema multiplex at Betoota’s WestGate shopping centre, it’s believed the troop of edgy teens made a considerable racket, as they bought five tickets...

Local 3rd Grader Ostracised At Pre-Season Training For Not Putting On 30 Kegs Over Christmas

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Heights man has had a rough end to his Wednesday night, after being forced to train alone at his footy club. Rolling in after a decent-sized silly season, Brett Burns was reportedly ridiculed by his mates at the club after confirming he hadn't put on 30 kegs of raw mass over the last few months. The...

Local Dad Mercilessly Heckles Hungover Waiter During Family Breakfast

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Dad Ken Gillespie (59) is really enjoying giving it to the hungover waiter at a family breakfast this morning, it has been confirmed. While celebrating his daughter's 23rd birthday at a prominent inner-city cafe, Mr Gillespie was quick to notice that the young bloke serving them had a sickly Tasmania pallor and still smelt a little bit like...

National Cabinet Unveil Plan To Stop Teachers Leaving Profession With An End Of Year Pizza Party

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT With teachers nationwide throwing their hats into the ring or threatening to strike, National Cabinet has had to get a little creative with incentivising them to return to the classroom. Speaking ahead of the meeting of Premiers and federal leaders, a spokesperson for the National Cabinet has unveiled a bold new plan to get teachers to work through...

Foreman Reckons Apprentice Knows A Thing Or Two About What’s It Like To Have A Meat Shortage Haha

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local foreman has today announced that if anyone knows something about a meat shortage, it’s the new apprentice, Toby. It’s alleged the topic of discussion popped up over a smoko break, when one of the tradies had mentioned his trouble finding meat at his local Woolies. Citing that he’d gone to numerous grocery stores to find steak that wasn’t...

Twice Defrosted Pluto Pup Re-Enters Deep Freezer Thanks To Postponement Of Tamworth Country Music Festival

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local food truck operator is believed to be rugging up this afternoon in preparation for some hours work in her commercial deep freezer. Lifting several cardboard boxes marked ‘Country Music Fest’, it's understood local food truck owner Shonnae Webb is returning several hundred kilos of defrosted crumbed sausages back into an icy abyss. With thick beads of...

WA Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Geraldton Truckie’s Loss Of Taste Attributed To Overdone Steak Pie

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Western Australia Health authorities have today dismissed the possibility of a positive Omicron case within the transport industry. This comes as two new local cases have been recorded in the West, both related to the ongoing Cockburn cluster linked to the Omicron variant and involving massage parlours. However, there were fears that the virus may have finally spread beyond the...

Nationals MPs Spotted Rolling Into The Gold Coast Meriton For Barnaby Joyce’s Bucks Party

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Look out Gold Coast residents, there's a bunch of fellas who've just landed and are ready to paint the town red. Reports from the nation's glitter strip have just emerged that the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia has just touched down in Coolangatta to enjoy his Bucks Party. The newly engaged leader of the Nationals has just arrived...

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