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Bureau Of Meteorology Declares Hot Girl Summer To Be Postponed Until 2022

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT In sad news, the Bureau of Meteorology has today declared that hot girl summer is postponed until 2022, disappointing many young women who were looking forward to being unapologetically themselves this December. Spokeswoman Sharon Carter tells The Advocate that due to La Nina, Aussies can expect a wet summer, as plenty of rainfall is expected across Queensland and New...

PM Lies And Says He Told Albo Of His Plans For Hawaii Holiday He Tried To Hide During Bushfires

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Yesterday, The Betoota Advocate started the week with an exciting news story that investigated the rapidly shifting public perception of Prime Minister Scott Morrison. The headline read: 'Man Wonders In What Spectacular Fashion The Prime Minister Will Fuck Something Up This Week' - and explored a local Betoota resident's disillusionment with the man bloke he voted for in 2019. Wade...

Brisbane Real Estate Agent Forecasts A Bitta Snow On Friday Too If Ya Know What I’m Sayin Boys

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A Brisbane real estate agent has today shown he may have a career in meteorology, by suggesting that Queensland might experience a bit of snow on the weekend. The odd prediction comes on top of the forecasts that Brisbane could experience record November rainfall over the next few days, with fears the South East Corner of Queensland could experience...

Pope Francis Walks Out Of Interview With Ch7 After Reporter Admits He Hasn’t Read The Bible

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a rough 24 hours, Channel 7 has taken another hit today, with a second high-profile guest walking out of an interview. Pope Francis has stormed out of an exclusive sit down with Channel 7 after it was revealed the reporter hadn't read the bible before. The drama comes after pop star Adele reportedly canned an interview with...

Local Woman Hesitates In Front Of Favourite Store In Fear Of Being Relentlessly Pursued By Teenage Floor Manager

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT As local woman Natalie Stanton makes her way through the CBD and towards her favourite store, she can feel her anxiety rising. You’d think that a simple shopping spree would be fine even for the self-confessed introvert, but unfortunately for Natalie, her go-to store appears to be comprised entirely of chirpy, teenage employees, who have no doubt been told...

Local Bloke Finds Himself Drunk Enough To Eat Rubbery Slice Of Pizza From Kebab Shop Hot Box

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The familiar grease stain of a night well spent has been identified by Betoota resident Jeremy Kemp (35), who shared with us his tale of excess that led to the sort of behaviour only inebriation can excuse.  After an evening of mateship and ice cold glass sandwiches, Kemp and his mates were asked to vacate the Betoota Railway Hotel...

Country Town Hospital In Wine Region Not Struggling For Rural Placements

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The once-struggling Channel Country General Hospital in Bedourie is reportedly sorting through a backlog of thousands of rural placement requests. This follows the area's well-noted transformation from a sleepy fruit growing district into one of Western Queensland's most praised wine regions. As seen in Central West New South Wales, Southern Western Australia and most of the districts surrounding Adelaide -...

Man Who Led Australian Cricket Out Of Ball-Tampering Scandal Finds Himself Caught Up In One

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The captain of the Australian cricket team has dropped a sensational announcement this afternoon, revealing that he will be standing down after sexting allegations were revealed in the media. Tim Paine made the decision after details around an exchange with a former female employee at Cricket Tasmania came to light. Paine said the text exchange had been previously investigated...

Tim Smith Turns Up To Victorian Parliament House Protests In Horned Helmet And Fur Hat

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a quiet week or so since crashing his car while pissed, Tim Smith MP has made a sensational return to the spotlight. The loudmouth from Melbourne's inner electorate of Kew has turned up on the steps of parliament house kitted out in a rather interesting get-up. The epitome of entitlement raised eyebrows by greeting protestors today with...

Local Toff That Polishes 3 Bottles Of Red Each Night Deplores Bogans Rejecting Medical Advice

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A resident of the leafy inner Melbourne suburb of Toorak has today proposed a bold new idea. The old toff who has spent a career in finance after graduating from a sandstone high school and university has revealed that we should stop giving anti-vaxxers medical care. Brett White (74) explained that he doesn't think people who make 'poor...

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