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Drunk Mate Rewards Friends’ Efforts To Get Him Home By Running Off In Opposite Direction

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT We’ve all got that one mate who can’t handle himself on the piss, and for local bloke Gregory Hunt, unfortunately, he’s that mate. The Betoota Ponds local is alleged to have spent his entire Saturday day drinking at his friend’s nans house, which, although was adorned with every knick-knack known to man, also had a pretty decent pool. As they’d...

Melbourne Dive Bar Under Question For Not Having A Toilet That Looks Like Something Out Of Trainspotting

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT The legitimacy of Melbourne dive bar ‘The Lib’ has reportedly been questioned this weekend when it was discovered that the bathrooms were a little too clean. This harsh accusation is said to have occurred last Saturday night after an elderly punk was seen exiting one of the men’s bathrooms with a look of disgust. As a nearby glassy reached for...

PM Claims He Went On A Few Dates With Natalie Imbruglia Before Meeting Jenny, When He Was 12

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Scott Morrison's reputation as 'The Liar From The Shire' is starting to stick it would seem, after the Prime Minister made an outrageous claim to some of the boys in his office this afternoon. As the embattled Liberal leader begins to desperately fend off the growing accusations that he is an untrustworthy human being, it seems even his own...

“You’re Getting Paid Too Much” Says Concreter Watching Sparky Eat A Weis Bar For Lunch Dessert

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local electrician has copped a bit of a spray this arvo, after being called out by a colleague on site. Sitting down for lunch on one of the medium density reso developments in Betoota's French Quarter, Brad Lammond was lit up by one of the concreters for his meal choice. After ploughing through a double burger meal...

Electric Vehicle Manufacturers Win Over Rural Australia By Whacking On A Big Fuck Off Cannon

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Car Manufacturers looking to the future have today made a huge new announcement. With the two major political parties trading blows and treading water on Electric Vehicle policy, a number of international manufacturers have gotten on the front foot. A consortium of EV producers has revealed a new 'Fuck Off Cannon' feature for a designated number of Australian...

World’s Net Zero Targets Now Achievable After 50% Of People You Follow Post Picture Of Their Pet

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Finally, after years of fear and doubt around humanity's ability to save itself, there is some good news on climate change. It now looks as though the globe may be able to achieve Net Zero, and not by 2050, but by 2030! The incredible news comes after everyone you follow on Instagram posts a story of their pet...

Elite Athlete Shows Off Speed During Social Mixed Touch Game And Torches First Timer On Wing

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Local office worker Richie Carter wowed the crowd at Sir Joh Oval this weekend, after burning an opponent with his scintillating speed. The Reserve Grade fly-half who claims he played rep footy as a 16-year-old, reportedly lit up a woman trying to mark him on the wing, showing a clean pair of heels to score in the corner. The...

Take A Look Inside The Huge Hospital We Could’ve Built With The Money Spent Torturing Refugees

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The nation's Health Minister has allowed us a sneak peek inside a state-of-the-art new hospital that could exist, but doesn't. In an exclusive sit down with The Advocate, Greg Hunt released images of what a brand spanking new hospital in a major region would look like, if we hadn't spent the money on locking people up in offshore...

Mum Welcomes Home Son With 40 Gallon Drum Of Spag Bol And A Metre Slab Of Caramel Slice

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A Women’s Weekly cookbook is getting a workout this morning, as an enthusiastic Mum prepares for the post-pandemic homecoming of her only son. With pots and pans banging and several onions in an early state of translucence, it appears a Guinness World Record attempt for the world's largest Spag Bol is underway. Speaking with The Advocate, local Mum...

Bloke Huffs At 15 Minute Wait For A Haircut In Front Of Barber That Waited 15 Weeks To Open

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local fuckwit and fade enthusiast has displayed sheer arrogance this afternoon, chucking a tantrum in the face of a barber swallowed by debt. Brad Oakley, a 29-year old labourer and long rumoured steroid user, decided to publicly vent his frustration at the prospect of waiting more than 10 minutes to have his buzz cut tended to. Speaking...

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