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WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT It's been a tough year for Sydney teacher Georgia Simpson, something she'll always happily tell anyone about at length. While the logistical nightmare that is teaching from home via the internet has finally come to an end, the return to the new classroom has created new challenges. The department policy that requires all students wear a mask in...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A professional showboat has enjoyed publicly pleasuring himself this afternoon, after posting a 400-word essay on LinkedIn to announce he’d received his First Aid Certificate. James Handcock, a 27 year old Marketing Assistant from OhMyDOoH Media, decided to use his recently acquired (compulsory) training as an opportunity to jackhammer his personal brand across LinkedIn. The lengthy post which...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An entire workforce of carbon-exposed tradesmen have today declared their disgust with the man they voted for in 2019. This comes as Scotty From Marketing announces his vague new commitments to Net Zero Emissions by 2050 just days before he flies to Glasgow to get photographed with the world leaders who are refusing to give him submarines unless he...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local manly man has brought on a few subtle grins down at a Betoota Heights mechanic today, after carrying on just a little bit. Accountant Wil McCrighton did so when he decided to take his wife's sensible and economically smart Kia Rio in for a bit of a service. The son of a builder and nurse who...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Father of three Cameron Hughes has embraced tradition today by refusing to throw away a disintegrating 18-year-old football as he believes it will be good to go after a pump. After his children decided to have a kickaround, Hughes dug out his old footy that he bought back when he had a full head of hair. Upon discovering the old...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT After years of creeping self-doubt that there was something severely defective about her personality, Olivia Wells has finally managed to score herself some self-esteem points in the form of local concreter and new beau, Tom. The validation she deeply craved, which she’d been unable to manifest herself through perhaps, putting the same amount of thought and...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local straight man Brendan Cootes was taken by his girlfriend Elise Ng to a gay bar yesterday, something that was a bit of an eye-opener for the regional man. “Yeah Elise wanted to go because her workmate was doing a bit of drag and I said ‘Yeah why not!’” stated Cootes. “It was mad as ” According to Cootes’...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A shocking display of disrespect to one of the town’s oldest and most respected figures took place in Betoota Ponds today. Head of the Betoota chapter of the Queensland CWA Norma Binns was walking her prized showdog Diana the Third when she slid on a hot chip, fell over. Witness accounts state that as residents aided Binns, a flock...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Though living alone can be quite peaceful and allow the opportunity to be an absolute pig without judgment, it does have its shortcomings. Namely, mysterious sounds are about ten times scarier, as is a surprise visitor in your shower. It’s alleged local woman Natalie Davis had been enjoying a hot shower after a long day at work when she’d...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A perfectly normal man had to suffer a corporate indignity today during a job interview at a company that must really think they are one for the textbooks. During a job interview at the Betoota branch of an American advertising agency, graphic designer Nick Strine (38) was forced to act like he cared about the corporation’s long-dead founding fathers. The...