Politics

Christensen Quits Politics for Heavyweight Boxing, Calls Out Gallen for A Thrilla in Manila II

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Australia's very own Member for Manilla has sensationally announced he will be walking away from politics to pursue a career in boxing. The maverick borderline conspiracist made the call last night, revealing that he would not re-contest the next election in a bid to kick-start a career throwing hands. "Paul Gallen. Let's dance little man," said the MP...

“Inner City Types Won’t Dictate Carbon Policy” Says PM Who Must Think Rupert Lives In Bourke

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's Prime Minister has come out all guns blazing this week, and laid down a plan for what our future looks like. Not by coming up with any policy utilising the renewable resources we have at our disposal, but by drawing a big strong line in the culture wars sand. Speaking at a Business Council meeting where...

“The Murdoch Media Just Makes Up Lies” Claims Gay Lovers, Kevin Rudd And Malcolm Turnbull

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Former Prime Ministers have joined more than just forces this week as Malcolm Turnbull joins his fellow ex-PM, and live-in lover Kevin Rudd, in a crusade to take down the overbearing Murdoch press. That's according to a report from Sky News and the Australian, who say neighbours of Turnbull and Rudd have been unable to get a decent night’s...

Hot Mess Gladys Awkwardly Overgiggles After Chris Hemsworth Makes A Joke About Mondays

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a relatively drama free few months, Hot Mess Gladys is back! Everyone's favourite bumbling single Premier has returned to the spotlight after a relatable interaction with a local heartthrob. With all that corruption and pork-barreling stuff slowly fading into the background, Hot Mess has burst back onto the scene after breaking into a bout of giggles whilst...

Monopoly Updated – Get Out Of Jail Free Card Automatically Issued To Australian Politicians

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Popular board game Monopoly will be updated with new, modern Community Chest Cards says manufacturer Hasbro in a recent statement. The game, released in 1935, offers a unique opportunity to show your family how Capitalism can be lucrative and fun or extremely violent, depending on who wins. The Community Chest Cards have been largely unchanged since the game was released,...

Nan Certain None Of This Woulda Happened If We Still Had Tony

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact With accusations of bullying, sexism, coverups, pork-barrelling and hiring a fucking hip hop dance group for the commissioning ceremony of a naval ship, it’s fair to say there’s a bit going on with this current government. Most recently, side-hustle PM Scott Morrison failed to effectively organise a sausage sizzle after showing up with multigrain bread, without sausages, onions or...

Scotty Claims He Sent Christine An Apology Via Post And It Should Get There In 10-14 Working Days

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The under fire Prime Minister has once again brushed off calls to publicly apologise to former Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate today. However, the Bloke in Chief says he will apologise, but personally, in a letter that should arrive at Holgate's residence in the next 10-14 days. If there's no delays in postage or issues with the delivery....

PM Overhauls Jab Roll-Out, Entire Nation To Receive Dose By The Time Eels Win A Premiership

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In line with public expectation, the Prime Minister has this week downgraded his jab policy targets. The Head of Marketing has admitted that every Australian will not be jabbed before the end of the year, despite coming out and promising that they would a few months ago in an effort to win over voters. However, the PM has...

C-Bomb Scotty Returns To Try Gear About How Women Like To Shop

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact After accidentally identifying one of his own MPs as a khunt during a press conference, job-sharing PM Scott Morrison seems to have discovered a new found love for stand up. Scotty’s new passion was on display today as he returned to the mic to see if he could land some new gear about women and how they like to...

Nation Braces For The Annual Picture Of Scotty Singing With His Eyes Closed

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Australians around the nation are letting out a small collective sigh as they acknowledge the annual picture of our ‘sometimes-for-a-treat’ Prime Minister Scott Morrison singing with his eyes closed at a super-Church is on the way. The Easter long weekend is a four-day break made up of two public holidays on either side of a weekend to observe the...

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