Local News

Local Woman Asks Masseuse If She Can Have Entire Body Cracked Like A Glow Stick

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs local woman Jen Seymour treats herself to a thai massage for the first time in her life, she finds herself surprised at just how intimate it is - and also surprised by how quickly she is on board with having a tiny woman essentially sit on top of her, like a human backpack. Finding herself being lulled into...

Old Kelpie With Digestive Issues Devastated After Ricky Stuart Compares Him To Jaeman Salmon

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A 12-year-old local kelpie-cross has today revealed to The Advocate the toll a tough weekend has taken upon him. Talking to our reporter through Editor at Large Errol Parker's clairvoyant stepdaughter, the dog named Butch explained that he doesn't appreciate being treated like a joke in the nation's media. "I just don't need that shit in my life...

Entire Family Lies And Tell Pop The Doctor Shouldn’t Have Taken His Licence

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTEveryone has lowered their level of cognitive function in solidarity with grandpa Joseph Fala (82) by lying and saying the doctor shouldn’t have taken his drivers licence away. Whether or not there should be a mature drivers test is a tense debate that tends to be brought up on any given slow news day. Many are in the camp that...

Bloke At Gym In Winter Must Have Just Been Dumped Or Something

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Exercise loyalists at a Betoota gym have noticed a fresh face amongst the gym equipment this winter, leading them to the conclusion that the poor bugger must have recently gotten dumped. According to the frequent attendees of Betoota Fitness and Mirrors, an unidentified fella has started attending the gym with a January like intensity despite the fact it is...

Father Of Only Daughters Actually Up To Date With Beyonce’s Artistic Journey Since Sasha Fierce

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT This week, American singer Beyoncé released her 7th studio album titled Renaissance, her first solo studio album since triple platinum Lemonade (2016).  One of the world’s biggest selling performing artists, Beyoncé fans are known for being some of the most intense women and men you will ever meet, although one local Betootan is challenging that stereotype. Patrick Bunker (59) of...

Young Couple Officially At The “How Many Packages Do You Order” Phase Of Living Together

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTYoung love is in the air in Betoota’s French Quarter as a newly moved-in couple Teagan Tognelli and Braden Munsen officially enter the “Shit babe, how many packages do you order” phase of living together.Although Teagan’s nonna warned that moving in together would anger God, the young couple are pleased to report that living together has...

Pocket Rocket Grapples With Feelings Of Irrational Jealousy After Meeting An Even More Petiter Woman

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal woman Evie Lewisham quite likes being small. Not only do people assume she’s fragile and rush to help her with physical tasks (and yes, she does lean into it) but she’s also pretty much guaranteed to be picked up and swung around every time a bloke hugs her. In fact, seeing as she barely scrapes 5’2, Evie is used...

Retired Shredder Sneers At Kids In Pub Car Park Trying To Nail A Variable Heel Flip Without Landing Both Feet Over The Wheels

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local powder-coater, Don Rockdale (41) has today been presented with the rare opportunity to know what he's talking about. After an early knock off from the mid-morning shift at Betoota's Powder And Respray Centre, Don joined his workmates for a tipple down at the Flight Path Tavern on Daroo street. As the afternoon wore on, the big fella found himself...

Local Mum Upgrades Phone Case To An Even Bigger One Like A Hermit Crab Exchanging Its Shell

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local mum has this week determined that her stupidly large phone case is not large enough, and has since traded it in for a phone case that’s so big, it looks like a diary. Paired with an oversized bag that’s often filled to the brim with receipts, Tracey Munne has managed to stuff all 17 cards into...

Hospo Turned Office Worker Learns Hard Way That Sexually Charged Workplace Flirting No Longer Acceptable

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who worked in a bar all throughout her uni course has unfortunately this week learned the hospo world operates very differently from the standard 9 to 5…in more ways than one. Alice McCall is said to have just completed her degree in marketing when she landed an entry level position at an agency, which offered the...

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