Local News

Barefoot Investor Mate In Large Group Makes Sure To Get The First Round

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A man whose phone always goes flat when it comes time to ordering a DiDi or Uber has weirdly made sure to be a good bloke and get the first round of beers for his mates today. Enjoying a couple of Friday arvo glass sandwiches down at an Old City District watering hole where office people congregate to...

Local Woman Who Spewed In Her Cab Home Squashes Some Demons With Bit Of Sunday Arvo Gardening

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Bethany Wilson has done her best to get on the front foot this week. After a night of copious drinking on Saturday, the young hairdresser from the French Quarter tried to alleviate some of her grog horrors with a bit of gardening yesterday evening. Facing another week down at Hairport in our Old City District, Wilson said she...

Brisbane To Add Gender Reveal Burnouts Event If Olympics Bid Successful

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact As bidding for the rights to host the 2032 Olympics continues, the Queensland capital Brisbane looks a likely shot at hosting the games, proving that nowhere else must be remotely interested in the world sporting event. Several studies have also suggested hosting the Olympics is rarely profitable, seldom resulting in lasting infrastructure and increased tourism trade. As a result, the...

Failing Headlight Bulb Heroically Clings To Life Until Day Before Rego Inspection

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In a touching display of strength and determination, a failing headlight bulb has just made it to the day before a pink slip inspection before finally succumbing to the strain of the many hours of light it had faithfully provided in these dark times.   “I know I was only supposed to last 5000hrs” said the exhausted bulb from inside...

Local Girl Enters SILENT MODE While Channelling All Her Energy Into Not Throwing Up In Cab

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT At age 27, you’d think local woman Sarah Gardiner would have worked out that slam shooting ten vodka lime sodas in the span of two hours was not a wise idea. But considering she’d vastly increased her piss fitness over the years, Sarah had fallen into the trap of believing she was immune to drunkenness - especially if...

Little Cousins Add Spice To Family Gathering By Performing Dance Routine To Very Explicit Song

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A family gathering has this weekend been thrown into a tailspin, as two cousins decided to throw an impromptu dance recital. It’s alleged the Davis family had gotten together for their biannual catch up, which saw family members from all areas of Queensland arriving for a BBQ.  Though the event was designed so the family could keep tabs on...

Local Man Saves Turtle From Having Straw Pulled Out Of Its Nose By Finding A Bin

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A heroic local man has today done his bit to save a big old sea turtle from the worst of humanity. After enjoying a morning stroll down to the yuppie inner city French Quarter Markets for a  halloumi and egg roll, Will Woodward decided to tack on an $8 orange juice as well. Because, he’s hungover, and it looks like...

Parentally-Funded Housemate Straight Up Leaving The Heater On All Day

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Joan of Arc Ladies College alumnus Rachel Bueren (21) states she has never considered herself a feminist, but is partaking in a radical new move that is disrupting those around her anyway.  Although claiming to be living ‘below her means’ in a French Quarter sharehouse, it appears that the first year psychology student has identified another lifehack afforded to...

A Side Of McNuggets Get The Call Up As Local Man Commits To This Naughty Meal

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact It is clear as day to staff of Betoota Ponds Maccas that regular customer Aemon Trot (38) has had a flop of a day and has called for a naughty meal to lift his spirits. While usually known for his childlike joy while ordering a large double quarter pounder meal with a coke no sugar, drive thru worker Matilda...

Bill Gates Admits He’s Now Regretting Turning Down Clippy’s Offer Of Relationship Advice

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Bill Gates, or ‘Gatesy’ as he is known by his new mates down at the TAB, has admitted today that rejecting Clippy’s relationship advice was a mistake.  Clippy, the default Office Assistant, was introduced to widespread disdain in Office 97, annoyed users for a decade and was eventually humanely euthanised during the development of Office 2007.  “He was just trying...

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