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Nation’s Florists To Double The Price Gouging With New Claims Of Rose Shortage

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTThe newest shortage to completely take shoppers on a Easter Show level pricey ride is a rose shortage, right before Valentines Day no less. Over the last 12 months the average price of essentials such as fuel, groceries and rent has increased for reasons that most people only vaguely understand because to completely understand would be depressing. At the time...

Alright, I’ll Say It, I’m Done With This Toxic ‘How Many Weetbix’ Do You Do Shit

JAMIE HOTTAKE | Outrage | CONTACTSomehow, in a world full of violent mass conflict, identity politics run amuck and a renewed addiction for reality TV, we have forgotten the most toxic problem to ever be served with milk and honey. I speak, of course, about the humble bowl of Weet-Bix. When they were first invented, Weet-Bix were the most flavoursome European food on so-called Australia,...

Report: Summer At Stage Where Fun Stuff Is Over And Heat Just Ruins A Night’s Sleep

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTThere’s still half a month's worth of summer to go but now that everyone has settled down in the various routines that mark the slow march towards Christmas/death, all of us can agree that the fun bits are over. Usually peppered with the virtues of day drinking, the slap of saltwater and the nostalgic irony of Pez feat. 360,...

American Podcast Absolutely Butchering Australian Town Name

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAn Australian podcast listener tuning into a lighthearted recount of a violent crime has once again been disgusted by the American host’s inability to say an Australian town name correctly.  While listening to the US true crime podcast The Real Scranton Stranglers, a podcast about real murders that parallel plot points from the US Office, Betootan Kirilee Vert (25)...

Luxury Property Seller Distressed At Only Making Hundreds Of Thousands Of Dollars Of Tax Free Capital Gains

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact “Oh no. No no no!” These were the distressed mutterings heard from under Sarah Connelly’s breath earlier today after her luxury Roma Hills 3 bedroom apartment sold at Auction for only $890,000. “I can’t fucking believe this shit,” she cried, her cheeks flushed with a rage normally reserved for those who’ve just witnessed a stranger smack their child. While her...

New Rule In ‘Monopoly: Australia’ Allows Players Born Between 1946-1964 To Start With Houses On The Board

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact A wholesome Gen Z’er has spent quality time with her Aunt and Uncle this afternoon, playing a fun new version of the classic board game, Monopoly - the Australia Edition. Axolotl Goitre (19) is endearingly kind and naive for her age. She loves spending time with her Olds and thinks they are pretty cool for a couple of boomers...

Suburban Dad Has An Enemy Somehow

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAlthough it all seems good and well in the usually unnewsworthy suburb of Betoota Heights, local dad Kieran Weston (53) is harbouring a secret so vile that he reminds his wife and children of it every chance he can get. While Weston may appear to be the average mild-mannered, church on Christmas, footy coach if no one else wants...

Self-Described ‘Foodie’ Hasn’t Even Had Blueberry-White Choc Scone From Bakers Delight

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA middle class fraud has been sprung today as self-described foodie Timmeon Swimmer (38) was forced to admit he has never eaten a blueberry-white choc scone from Bakers Delight. Once a powerhouse in baking and jingle driven ‘90s adverts, Bakers Delight is a bakery franchise that would have gone nation wide if Tasmania didn’t insist on extreme brand loyalty...

‘Cool Uncle’ Basically Any Bloke Who Does The Opposite Of What Parents Would Do

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA study by the Bureau of Childless Men (BCM) has confirmed that a sibling relationship to a parent is not necessarily needed for a man to be considered a ‘cool uncle’, rather they just need to be the sort of bloke who will do the opposite of what parents would normally do. One such ‘cool uncle’ is Luceyn Bennett...

Mate Who Ate This For Smoko All Week Can’t Understand Why His Guts Are Playing Up

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Betoota Heights chippy Burt Luke has been struck down today by a mystery case of the tummy pains. While there is plenty of gastroenteritis getting around the Channel Country, the comfortable boyfriend of one said he's pretty sure he can rule that out. "Yeah, it's not squirty or anything and I don't feel like vomiting," he said. "I've...

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