Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman’s golden retriever boyfriend has found himself invited into a space few straight men are allowed into, after his girlfriend, Lisa’s mates deemed him easygoing enough to hear all their dirty laundry. It’s alleged Kyle Preston had been scrolling through Reels on his phone when Lisa’s friends had come bursting through the door, letting out a series...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact26 year old financial risk analyst, Crox Prue, was up until 2am this morning identifying and analysing potential risks that threatened the financial position of one of Betoota’s largest employers, Betoota Spam Equivalents Group (BSEG). Prue has worked for the food manufacturing giant for 10 years. His exciting work sees him keeping track of developments in the economy to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA would-be rebel has struck back against her parents and cancelled her tattoo plans after mum learnt about it and gave her full approval. Wanting to be the talk of the school without risking a possible pregnancy, teenager Helia Whetlam (17) asked her bestie Rhiannon if her morally grey half-brother Josh was still an apprentice tattooist. The answer was...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A run of the mill white collar guy from our town’s very own Betoota Ponds is today preparing to depart the real world.  Albert Johnson, who is described as a ‘just a regular guy’ by his friends, family and intimate partner, is reportedly set to become a smuggler for the better part of the next 48 hours, after purchasing...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn news that isn’t really news but this is 2023 who really gives a shit anymore, it has been revealed that local grandpa Phillip Kent (78) actually knows about Whitney Houston. A veteran of two wars and over 30 years at the ATO, Kent is known as a soft spoken gentleman possibly due to the complex PTSD he developed...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A bloke with a limited range of dance moves is gearing up to celebrate free love this evening, by allowing himself to indulge in a tiny amount of glitter. Growing up in a Catholic family, former Castle Hill man Zach Oakley (28) had a childhood that generally restricted his exposure to George Michael and the wonders of...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In feel good news, the little brother has finally got one up on the elder and all it cost was the world we live in. For years, Bing (owned and operated by Microsoft) has very much been the but of the joke compared to Google, an actual search engine that is used by people other than fictional characters in...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A bloke who hasn’t eaten a carbohydrate since Christmas has spoken to The Advocate today to highlight just how hard it has been to get his rig into Mardi Gras condition. One of the many French Quarter Betootans who will be making a pilgrimage to Oxford Street this weekend, local marketing executive Sebastian Conway (32) has told...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Ponds tradie has managed to stumble upon a winning dating strategy that both caters to his desire for the female touch, and drastic need for cognitive behaviour therapy, it’s reported. Speaking to The Advocate, Tim Walton states that he’d come off the back of a pretty bad breakup when he discovered this new coping mechanism, citing...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A millennial man has this week discovered that he unfortunately can’t pull off a backwards cap without looking like a certain notorious ratbag from the early 2000s, which he discovered pretty quickly after daring to wear one around his mates. Eric Dosser is alleged to have popped one on his head after going a week without washing his...