Local News

Teacher On Big Lunch Duty Old Enough For Students To Get Away With Full Blown Tackle Footy

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The boys at Betoota Ponds Sports High have today returned to the classroom from big lunch coated in bloody noses and knee grazes, after 50 minutes of unbridled contact sport. It would seem that after identifying the teacher on duty, the students took it upon themselves to ramp up their game of touch footy into full blown tackle footy. While...

WA Radioactive Capsule Reportedly Just A Long Forgotten Lunch Box With Left Over Butter Chicken

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Democratic people's Republic of Western Australia has just let out a massive sigh of relief. The cause of the giant exhalation over in the Golden West is revelations that the mysterious missing radioactive capsule isn't as harmful as first thought. Rumours had swirled around the state this week after revelations that a dangerous radioactive capsule had fallen...

Bloke Who Used To Watch The ‘Satisfaction’ Music Video On Repeat Absolutely Appalled By Sam Smith

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactBetoota Heights father John Mathieson has today taken angrily to Facebook to write a very long, heavily typoed post about the ‘destruction of morals’, after catching wind of English musician Sam Smith’s new music video ‘I’m Not Here To Make Friends’.  Released three days ago, the two screen grabs of the music video have been seen making the...

Mum Who Doesn’t Want Judgement From The ‘iPad Baby’ Cops Forced To Carry Giant Bag Of Lego To Cafe 

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs any new mum will tell you, nobody’s a better parent than people who don’t have any kids. Or, parents who’ve long forgotten how stressful having young children can be, and how it’s human nature to grab any lifeline that’s available to you. It just so happens that in 2023, that comes in the form of a phone or iPad....

Woman Who Already Gave Cat A Weird Name Gives It An Even Weirder Nickname

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights local has this week ensured she’s well and truly kept in line with cat owner stereotypes, by not only giving her pet tabby a weird name, but also an even weirder nickname. Unlike her mate’s who own dogs with relatively normal names (except for anyone who owns a sausage dog, which requires some food related name)...

Woman Who Likes To Make Basic Life Tasks Extra Difficult For Herself Buys One Of These Fucking Things

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal woman Dawn Packham has this week come to the conclusion that life simply isn’t difficult enough. After having a peaceful and uneventful month where everything had gone by as seamlessly as possible, Dawn says she was overcome with the urge to fuck everything up for herself, and make even performign the most basic life tasks, as frustrating...

Café Breakfast Ruined After Nearby Table Loudly Discusses The Property Market Of Australia

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact The rather expensive yet hip boulangerie, Le Petit Manchot, has for years now been serving up the most delicious breakfast a yuppie can buy down in Betoota’s famed French Quarter. This reputation is what convinced Betoota Ponds man, Hammy (27), to take his girlfriend, Becs (25), out for breakfast to the fine establishment they had been meaning to try...

Local Girl Who Can’t Be Assed Shaving Her Legs Fends Off Potentially Boring Date By Playing The Gastro Card

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA local girl is glad to have won back her Friday night after skillfully playing the oldest trick in the book. Perched up on her couch firing off the last few emails for the afternoon, The Advocate understands local PR girl Sara Peters (28) has had a pretty big week, and quite frankly can’t be bothered putting...

An Australian Artist Should Be Number One Explains Man Who Didn’t Vote In Hottest 100

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local lightning rod has caused a bit of stir today, despite there not being a cloud in sight.  With Betoota’s weather system treating residents of our town to a postcard of a day, local man Brett Sims had been enjoying a bit of a bbq when he decided to be an arbiter on what is and isn’t ‘Australian’...

Cooked Mate Wearing Pair Of Speed Dealers Confirms Fred Again Song Is A Tune

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT In more breaking news from the hottest house party in Betoota this afternoon, a bloke who loves to sesh has confirmed that Fred again’s music is quite a vibe. Doing his best to kick off a dance floor on a small patch of grass out the back of a French Quarter share house, local environmental science student...

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