Local News

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Nearly two whole years since Australians were forced to endure devastating lockdowns, and the affects of the pandemic are continuing to plague society. The cost-of-living crisis, our nation's burnt out health workers, and unpredictable property market are just some of the ongoing issues that are rearing their heads well after public health orders were wheeled back in late 2021. However,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Catholic Archdiocese of Sydney has been praised today, after unveiling a touching new tribute to former Cardinal George Pell. After a big day of cutting off ribbons for survivors of child sexual abuse, the people who run the Catholic building of worship have unveiled a lovely new public urinal. The move has certainly raised eyebrows around the...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT School is back on for 2023 which means the Catholic education system is once again forced to roll their eyes and continue teaching this science shit. According to 2021 figures, there are approximately 1700 Catholic schools in Australia providing a religious education to almost 785,000 students, which considering the church’s history could be considered 785,000 ‘at risk youths’. Along with...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact In the murky grey areas that exist completely outside of the country’s real estate laws, a slimy student slumlord has for years now been illegally squeezing a shocking amount of international students into his 7 bedroom Queenslander located near to the University of Betoota. In that time, Ezekiel Jolly has ripped off students by charging rents well above market...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The boys at Betoota Ponds Sports High have today returned to the classroom from big lunch coated in bloody noses and knee grazes, after 50 minutes of unbridled contact sport. It would seem that after identifying the teacher on duty, the students took it upon themselves to ramp up their game of touch footy into full blown tackle footy. While...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Democratic people's Republic of Western Australia has just let out a massive sigh of relief. The cause of the giant exhalation over in the Golden West is revelations that the mysterious missing radioactive capsule isn't as harmful as first thought. Rumours had swirled around the state this week after revelations that a dangerous radioactive capsule had fallen...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactBetoota Heights father John Mathieson has today taken angrily to Facebook to write a very long, heavily typoed post about the ‘destruction of morals’, after catching wind of English musician Sam Smith’s new music video ‘I’m Not Here To Make Friends’.  Released three days ago, the two screen grabs of the music video have been seen making the...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs any new mum will tell you, nobody’s a better parent than people who don’t have any kids. Or, parents who’ve long forgotten how stressful having young children can be, and how it’s human nature to grab any lifeline that’s available to you. It just so happens that in 2023, that comes in the form of a phone or iPad....

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights local has this week ensured she’s well and truly kept in line with cat owner stereotypes, by not only giving her pet tabby a weird name, but also an even weirder nickname. Unlike her mate’s who own dogs with relatively normal names (except for anyone who owns a sausage dog, which requires some food related name)...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal woman Dawn Packham has this week come to the conclusion that life simply isn’t difficult enough. After having a peaceful and uneventful month where everything had gone by as seamlessly as possible, Dawn says she was overcome with the urge to fuck everything up for herself, and make even performign the most basic life tasks, as frustrating...