Local News

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Battle lines are being drawn at beaches across the nation this morning, as young families scramble to soak up another day in paradise. With the final days of the school holidays fading, it’s believed hordes of parents in every state have filled the boot of their SUVs with beach accessories and camping structures and raced down to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTWith the golden age of alcoholism merely more than a blur in the nation’s rearview mirror, a new disturbing trend may be taking its place, all in the name of a good cause.Following the success of the psychotic temperance challenge Dry July, wherein participants raise money for cancer research by abstaining for alcohol for a month, it appears...

DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT Here in Betoota real estate laws dictate that leasing agents are not permitted to solicit or invite a person to offer more than the advertised rent. For good reason. With Betoota’s low rental vacancy rates, hundreds of would-be tenants are showing up to every open inspection. With all that competition, some are taking it upon...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA laptop is getting hammered in a Betoota Heights study this morning, as a local personal trainer kickstarts his year with a complete brand overhaul. After operating for the last 12 months under the name ‘Body by Jake’, it’s understood local burpee counter and former sports captain at Betoota Ponds High, Jake Dylan (31), has decided to...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact A human being that was birthed in the maternity ward of the Betoota State Hospital on the 14th June 1980 has felt a devastating pang of nostalgia today. Sarah Daniels experienced the pang while reading the terrible news that Australia’s most beloved music retailer, Sanity, is closing its 50 remaining stores across the country.  “I bought my first CD from...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal bloke Keaton Grant has had it up TO FUCKING HERE with his wife’s stupid expectations. If she’s not nagging him to please get out of his jocks because her parents are coming over, it’s getting upset he forgot to pick up the crackers for a massive platter she’s putting on for his game night. Or getting upset at...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA dating app overhaul is underway in a French Quarter lounge room this evening as a group of housemates help a desperate friend revitalise her love life. Parked up on the couch wearing green tea face masks with her housemates Siobhan and Meera, local primary school teacher Sara Bridgewater (29) has decided it’s time to get a...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke is today unfairly paying the price for trying to be a good bloke. Trying to give the person barbecuing some company and a neck oil, Betoota Heights man Declan Madden is now sincerely wishing he’d stayed in his chair - and realising why old mate was alone in the first place. That’s because the man he...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some heartwarming news, a local bloke has today delicately kissed his cat's precious little paws, just moments after the moggy was seen furiously trying to cover up its turds in the litter box. It’s alleged the cute critter was feeling especially smoochy after relieving himself, letting out a pitiful meow as he leapt onto the couch where his...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who was simply trying to find her tax file number has today found herself taking a cute trip down menty b lane, after a scroll through her iphone notes saw her having flashbacks to three years worth of breakups, conflicts and gentle date rejections. It’s alleged Holly Mathieson had originally tried to track down her tax...