Local News

Local Dad Cements Middle Class Status By Using A Coaster At Home

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTThe sky's the limit for Betoota Heights dad Gerold Gonk (52) who has cemented his status as a middle class man by using a coaster at home.Having made his money in construction, Gonk states he has always seen himself as a working class fella but his private use of a coaster in his own home while no one...

USB Found On Street Doesn’t Even Provide Clues To An Unsolved Crime

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn a massive loss for anyone who has ever been remotely dramatic, a USB found on the street of Betoota’s Old City District was found to not contain a single clue relating to an unsolved crime.The disused USB was spotted by copywriter Shan Wentworth (32) who picked up the potential Pandora’s Box after discovering it in the sort...

Nan Treated For Shock After Seeing Check-Out Chick’s Lower Back Tattoo

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA local nana has been treated for shock today after accidentally copping a glimpse of a check-out chick’s lower back tattoo.While doing her fortnightly shop at Betoota Food Nest, nana Abigail Anfold (82) asked check-out worker Kelly Krup (23) if there were any tobacco pouches that had been crumpled and would be sold for a discount.After Krup rummaged...

Alpha Male Performs Unique Mating Display Of Violently Throwing Bag Of Ice Onto Concrete Floor

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact Local man Eric Matherson is strong. Strong like ox. Or at least, that’s the impression a group of women have gathered after he performed a unique mating display. Definitely, the type of kid in primary school that tried to stack multiple chairs on top of each other, the twenty two year old has managed to get himself the...

Former School Musical Lead Resurfaces With Ferocious Impro Dance Routine On Instagram

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA former High School heavyweight has soared back online this week, announcing her return to social media with a ferocious improvised dance routine.Famous for her leading lady performance as ‘Dorothy’ in Betoota Girls Grammar’s 2015 production of ‘The Wizard of Oz’, well known triple-threat Sarah Burchmore took to Instagram last Tuesday night to remind everyone that...

Amount of Elderly Greek Men Outside Cafe Proportional To Big Brekky Serving Size

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA study of cafes and customers in Betoota’s Flight Path District has found the amount of elderly Greek men outside the cafe is directly proportional to the size of the venue's big brekky.Known for cafes that serve cappuccinos with foam a metre tall, Betoota’s Flight Path District is home to a coalition of elderly Greek men who love...

New Mum Considers Throwing Mother In Laws Gift Out Window After Hearing Words ‘COW  MOO’ 100 Times A Day 

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactChristmas is supposed to be a wonderful time of the year that brings the family together to share in moments of joy, but for local woman Isla Ford , it’s the day that confirmed her most paranoid suspicions. Her mother in law hates her.  Having only dealt with microaggressions until now, Isla had almost convinced herself that Deb’s saccharine demeanour...

Bloke Rocking 3-Piece Tweed Suit At Ipswich Races Been Watching Too Much Peaky Blinders

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA local bloke has managed to look like an incredibly dapper fuckwit this afternoon, rolling into the Ipswich races dressed up like a ‘Peaky Blinder’.Despite a sweltering 36 degree Brisbane day, St Lucia Real Estate Agent Charlie Kimber (25) was spotted entering the racecourse dressed in a three-piece tweed suit and heavy woollen trench coat, as...

AirBnB DVD Collection Boasting Blades Of Glory Unfriendly Reminder Bloke Is About To Enter His Thirties

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA man who grew up in the golden age of Will Ferrell cinema has been blindsided today, after realising he’s about to tip into his dirty thirties.After attempting to enjoy a romantic weekend away with his new girlfriend, The Advocate understands local 29-year-old Jacob Hacking received quite a shock, after exploring the shelves of his countryside AirBnb.Prying open...

Company Persuades Workers To Head Back Into The Office With Pod Machine And Prison Bickies

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT The slippery crackle of a tray of Arnotts Family Assorted biscuits can be heard this morning, as a Betoota insurance agency attempts to bribe their workers into the office with some chalky stale treats. Despite downsizing their office space during the pandemic and only having enough desks for a quarter of their staff, Zupa Health have...

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