Heartbreaker Leaves Small Window Of Hope By Blocking Crush On Every Platform Except LinkedIn
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal woman Renee Howard is fucking done with her ex.After several months of delaying the inevitable, Renee had come to accept that she and her partner had vastly different communication styles and that no amount of workshopping could fix an incompatible relationship based solely on chemistry.And though her friends had grown tired of being a soundboard for her...
Bloke Buying Mini Vodka Bottles Either Buying Thoughtless Birthday Present Or Restocking Minibar
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact
Local staff at a Betoota bottle shop served a mysterious customer today who purchased a couple of mini bottles of vodka and nothing else, meaning he is either buying someone a thoughtless birthday present or restocking a hotel minibar.
Mini bottles of alcohol make up 0.4% of spirit sales in this country, usually purchased by people who want to...
Local Dad Cements Middle Class Status By Using A Coaster At Home
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTThe sky's the limit for Betoota Heights dad Gerold Gonk (52) who has cemented his status as a middle class man by using a coaster at home.Having made his money in construction, Gonk states he has always seen himself as a working class fella but his private use of a coaster in his own home while no one...
USB Found On Street Doesn’t Even Provide Clues To An Unsolved Crime
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn a massive loss for anyone who has ever been remotely dramatic, a USB found on the street of Betoota’s Old City District was found to not contain a single clue relating to an unsolved crime.The disused USB was spotted by copywriter Shan Wentworth (32) who picked up the potential Pandora’s Box after discovering it in the sort...
Nan Treated For Shock After Seeing Check-Out Chick’s Lower Back Tattoo
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA local nana has been treated for shock today after accidentally copping a glimpse of a check-out chick’s lower back tattoo.While doing her fortnightly shop at Betoota Food Nest, nana Abigail Anfold (82) asked check-out worker Kelly Krup (23) if there were any tobacco pouches that had been crumpled and would be sold for a discount.After Krup rummaged...
Alpha Male Performs Unique Mating Display Of Violently Throwing Bag Of Ice Onto Concrete Floor
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
Local man Eric Matherson is strong.
Strong like ox.
Or at least, that’s the impression a group of women have gathered after he performed a unique mating display.
Definitely, the type of kid in primary school that tried to stack multiple chairs on top of each other, the twenty two year old has managed to get himself the...
Former School Musical Lead Resurfaces With Ferocious Impro Dance Routine On Instagram
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA former High School heavyweight has soared back online this week, announcing her return to social media with a ferocious improvised dance routine.Famous for her leading lady performance as ‘Dorothy’ in Betoota Girls Grammar’s 2015 production of ‘The Wizard of Oz’, well known triple-threat Sarah Burchmore took to Instagram last Tuesday night to remind everyone that...
Amount of Elderly Greek Men Outside Cafe Proportional To Big Brekky Serving Size
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA study of cafes and customers in Betoota’s Flight Path District has found the amount of elderly Greek men outside the cafe is directly proportional to the size of the venue's big brekky.Known for cafes that serve cappuccinos with foam a metre tall, Betoota’s Flight Path District is home to a coalition of elderly Greek men who love...
New Mum Considers Throwing Mother In Laws Gift Out Window After Hearing Words ‘COW MOO’ 100 Times A Day
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactChristmas is supposed to be a wonderful time of the year that brings the family together to share in moments of joy, but for local woman Isla Ford , it’s the day that confirmed her most paranoid suspicions.
Her mother in law hates her.
Having only dealt with microaggressions until now, Isla had almost convinced herself that Deb’s saccharine demeanour...
Bloke Rocking 3-Piece Tweed Suit At Ipswich Races Been Watching Too Much Peaky Blinders
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA local bloke has managed to look like an incredibly dapper fuckwit this afternoon, rolling into the Ipswich races dressed up like a ‘Peaky Blinder’.Despite a sweltering 36 degree Brisbane day, St Lucia Real Estate Agent Charlie Kimber (25) was spotted entering the racecourse dressed in a three-piece tweed suit and heavy woollen trench coat, as...
