Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs everyone rushes to Instagram to post their results and secretly judge each other on their music tastes and dissect listening personality types (the new Myers Briggs?),local businesses have also joined in on the fun, including Carindale’s popular female only fitness gym, Fernwood. Unsurprisingly, the gym boasts that not only do guests get to avoid the guttural groans of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In an underdog story that everyone except the Americans and the English can get around, the tiny footballing nation of Argentina lives to fight another day. This comes after Argentina managed to scrape a win against Poland this morning, taking them out of their group and into a do or die clash against titans of World Football, Australia....

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Like many Aussie blokes whose belt size sits in the 40s, Harry “Hogga” Armstrong has never had an athletic build suited for European football. A 5 ft 10 unit who is wide as he is tall, Harry is one of the many dense individuals who learnt from an early age that soccer wasn’t quite right for him...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTOffice worker Beatrice Bremmer (35) is considering going to HR and The Hague today after her co-worker Cindy Clunk (30) audibly cracked her neck and had the gall to ask about it. Both working 9am - 5pm desk jobs (unofficially 8am - 6pm desk jobs) Bremmer and Clunk spend a lot of time in each other's company as they...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT An essential cog in the World Cup machine has been showered with praise today, after managing to pull off a spectacular achievement. The cameraman named Joe (no last name provided) has drawn international attention for his coverage of one of the football matches taking place in Qatar. The veteran of sports coverage broke ground this morning when he...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactShaking her head in disdain, Kathleen Schultz informs The Advocate that she’s sick and tired of seeing exhausted young parents taking the easy option of plopping their children in front of an iPad.  Not that we asked, mind you. But after plopping down to enjoy an overpriced ham and cheese croissant in Betoota Heights Westfield food court, our...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A local loose cannon has this weekend been forcibly pinned down by his mates after yet again getting a little belligerent on the piss, it’s reported. It’s alleged Nick McClymont was spotted hitting the Betoota entertainment district on Friday night with his legion of cretins, who were kicking off the silly season early with an impromptu pub crawl...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn proof that some people do not feel the shame they deserve, local pest Mario ‘Muzza’ Lombardo (22) listened to three days worth of voice messages from his all-male group chat without headphones on crowded public transport. Taking up an area that would usually seat three, Muzza continued his proud tradition of making crowded train carriages a headphone free...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A physically and arguably existentially unremarkable yuppie has this week raised eyebrows with a questionable claim. Michael Gomez (28) did so by informing his friends that they stood no chance in their upcoming game of social tennis. Enjoying a bi-yearly hit of some worn and busted old tennis balls with shitty hand me down racquets, Michael told his...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA permanently heartbroken Betoota Heights woman has today found herself cringing a little, after spotting numerous articles and tweets suggesting that Spotify Wrapped results are a mere few days away - an occasion that ordinarily would have filled her with a lot of excitement. Having last year used it as a way to both flout her fantastic music taste...