Local News

Quaint Local Woman Knows Nobody At Work Will Question Her Pulling A Sickie For Violent Spitty Bum

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs she delays her alarm by another fifteen minutes, Michelle Park tries to muster the courage to get ready for work. She’s really not feeling it today and ordinarily she’d pull a sickie no problem, but her last one was only a few weeks ago and she can only really average one every couple of months before erring on...

Local Craft Beer Festival Nowhere Near As Fun As When You Used To Pump 14 Cruisers In This Park As A Teenager

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactFuck me. Freya Halliday has stupidly agreed to go to a beer festival. Not just any kind of beer festival, but a craft beer festival.  Which as you can imagine, is just as boring as it sounds. After paying $30 entry each to get into the damn thing, Freya and her friends have so far spent twenty minutes trying to scope out...

“Better Turn Them” Says Bloke Who Rocked Up To BBQ With Bag Of Natural Corn Chips And Two Beers

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A well manicured lawn in Betoota's Flight Path District is reported to have hosted a catastrophic gaffe over the weekend, as a local man received unwarranted advice on one of the few domestic tasks he takes pride in. Local mechanic Charlie Ledwidge (33) has had to endure the great displeasure of being instructed, from behind, while operating his own...

Buckingham Palace Forgets To Send Funeral Invitation To The Publican At Betoota’s Royal Hotel

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Thousands of international dignitaries have today descended upon Britain to honour the life of Queen Elizabeth II. In case you somehow didn't already know, the late 96-year-old monarch died at her Balmoral residence in Scotland two weeks ago, triggering a heavily televised mourning period that almost feels longer than the 70 years she spent on the throne. For some weird...

New Mum Who Carried Baby For 9 Months Settles On ‘Fergus’

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The word is out amongst millenials and having kids is officially cool, provided you give them a kind of daggy, old world name. New mum Bernadette Silk (29) states that pregnancy was just as challenging as she'd been told. After the incredibly long and tough process, it perhaps makes sense that Silk would want to slap a grotesque label on...

Recently Dumped Bloke Fails To Heal Crippling Heartbreak With New Found NFL Fandom

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local bloke is looking to mend a broken heart this week as he attempts to band-aid his feelings by becoming an American sports fan. Unlucky in love and unlucky in appearance, local Betoota man Dylan Davis (31) has reportedly been on the offensive as he attempts to rebrand himself as the type of guy who understands...

Childhood Film To Fix Sunday Morning Lack Of Serotonin

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAs physics has long dictated, what goes up must come down. Last night, previously reformed party animal Michaela Dale (32) partook in the recreational use of MDMA which afforded her a few hours of increased enjoyment of everything including music, dancing, and her own voice.After waking up late, Dale found that her vocal cords were shot, her living room...

IT Guy At Work Begins Two Week Mourning Period Following Discontinuation Of Lift

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As a black veil continues to hang heavy over the head of monarchists, others are dealing with loss for a whole other reason. Insurance company IT worker Blake Franken (42) has not been his usual self and seems to be operating within a state of sombre disconnection instead of his usual socially awkward disconnection. However, it is not the loss...

Woo Girls Who Got On It A Bit Too Hard Take Turns Having A Massive Sob At 3am Kickons

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA group of very silly sausages have last weekend flown too close to the sun, which has resulted in a domino effect of waterworks. Woo girls Allie, Cherise and Steph (all 24) are currently in the ‘heavy parting phase’ on their journey into being adults, enjoying a life of no responsibilities, disposable incomes and the ability to still feel...

Farm Worker Gets Paid In Cash After Landing Lucrative Agricultural Job At Cash Farm

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With Australian farmers offering to pay workers in accommodation and produce, one farm seems to have gotten the balance right.  Farm worker Allison White (25) did one for the country by taking up the offer of being paid in produce after she landed a picking job at a cash farm. Hailing from the UK, White has had to put in...

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