Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In Betoota Ponds, a local teenager might have a lot more behind him than Betoota Ponds Independent Fuel. Standing out the front of the Betoota Ponds Service station, teenager Braden Decker (14) enjoyed a litre of energy drink, a grave flavoured XXXL vape, and a nearly drought ending amount of spits. In fact, witnesses report at one point Decker spat...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local geriatric from Betoota Heights has today taught a young 'pen pusher' an interesting lesson. After being called down from the roof he was working on in the Heights district, Bruce 'Bruiser' Billson offered the Occupational Health And Safety Office interrogating him some sage advice. "Mate, don't fucking start me with all your red tape bullshit alright,"...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman and dopamine addict has this week came to the conclusion that though knowing your worth is very peaceful, it’s also incredibly boring. Florence Young is said to have promised herself that she’ll no longer entertain blokes who come with glaring red flags, as she’s simply ‘too old’ to accept low effort behaviour, late night messages,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In a shocking development from the United Kingdom this morning, a pair of brothers mourning their grandmother have today failed to punch each other in the head. Not only that, the pair has failed to show even the slightest microaggressions towards each other, and have seemingly behaved in a civilized manner while walking behind the dead body of...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A rebellious TV sales specialist is believed to be updating his resume this week, as he weighs up the opportunity to join the dark side. After spending the last two years slinging home appliances and whitegoods at the flagship Harvey Norman located in the Betoota Heights supacentre, local man Sean Howarth is understood to be thinking about...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA couple who innocently thought an armchair would make a nice addition for their bedroom have this week copped a strange look from their friends, after showing off the beautiful chest of drawers they’d nabbed for a bargain on Marketplace. Chris and Sandra Brown are alleged to have had another couple over for dinner last Sunday night, who they’d...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIf there’s one good thing about modern dating, is that social media is a quick way to glean information about a person even before you've met them - or in Chelsea Fuller's case, doing the necessary evil every girl dreads doing and taking a scroll through their Instagram following. Though Chelsea doesn’t enjoy doing this, she finds it...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local man is breathing a sigh of relief today. Following another hedonistic weekend of consuming too many things that are bad for him but make him feel good, Albert Russel said he was feeling a little flat this Tuesday evening. Feeling the pressure to go and erase some of the weekend's consumption at the gym this Tuesday...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactSitting at her desk while she mindlessly scrolls through Tik Tok on full blast, Taylor Manners  finds herself pausing on yet another video hitting her with a major mental health diagnosis. She’s been getting a lot of these lately, which she’s attributed to being ‘totally attacked by my for you page’ and not because she keeps training the algorithm...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A University professor is on a profitable media offensive this week, as he clutches to fill his coffers before his expertise becomes redundant. A lecturer at the Diamantina’s most exclusive tertiary sandstone institution, Royal Betoota University, local Associate Professor Edmund Cromwell is believed to be incredibly busy, as he looks to book in as many media appearances...