Local News

Woman Embarks On Ambitious Campaign To Get Mate To Join Her For Pole Dancing Lessons

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has this week attempted to get yet another girlfriend involved in pole dancing lessons, which is estimated to be the third person she’d asked that month. Vanessa Tilly states that she was inspired to take up pole dancing after seeing some impressive videos on Tik Tok, but that she’d been too timid to try the...

Local Woman’s Bottom Drawer Final Resting Place For Clothes She Couldn’t Be Fucked Sending Back

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs she tries on some of the clothes she’s received with her latest ASOS haul, local woman Dimity Bishop is appalled to discover that yet again, half of them don’t fit. Somehow, they’re either too big or too small, despite them all being the same fucking size. You would think that Dimity would have learnt her lesson, seeing as...

School Priest Bristles After Assembly Prayer Interrupted By Roaring Nissan Skyline Out For A Burn

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A proud Catholic Priest is a little perturbed this morning, after his prayers to God were ruined by the full throttle roar of an GTR Nissan Skyline. The Advocate understands that at 9:10am this morning, Father Patrick O’Sullivan was leading the school assembly in prayer at St Johns Catholic School for Boys, when he was interrupted...

Indestructible Bunnings Umbrella Somehow Boasts More Longevity Than Some Of Their Power Tools

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local Dad is staying today, thanks to the structural integrity of his two-year-old Bunnings umbrella. Standing on the sidelines at Lockyer Memorial Park, watching his son play a game of U/12’s mod league for the Betoota Dolphins, it’s reported Jamie Casey (38) was forced to whip out the family umbrella to fend off an unseasonal late...

Overflowing Sharehouse Bin Becomes A Fun Jenga-Style Game Of Balance

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The game is afoot in a French Quarter share house as a silent standoff over whose turn it was to take the rubbish out has now evolved into a rather fun jenga-style game of balance. The sharehouse of five, referred to fondly by the tenants as The Crawl Room (we didn’t get it either) usually abides by a strict...

“What Do You Mean My Properties Won’t Automatically Go Up In Value” Asks Furious Investor

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local Real Estate investor has today asked the government to do something, anything. Graham Wood has called on the people in power to compensate him for the amount of money he won't make if his investment properties don't appreciate by at least 10% again this year. The owner of 9 properties around the greater Betoota area, says...

Local Girl Holds Back Tears As Hairdresser Mistakes ‘Below The Shoulders’ For The Lord Farquaad

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactStaring at herself in the salon mirror as she wonders if she’s always been this ugly, Louisa Flynn finds her reverie briefly interrupted as the hairdresser asks her to clarify how much she wants chopped off. “Below the shoulders thanks”, says Louisa, using her hands to indicate just how much she wants lobbed off, “I’d still like to...

Bloke Overcome With Urge To Message Ex After Fuckboy Tingle Alerts Him She May Be Moving On

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs he eagerly nods yes to offers of a knockoff beer (or two), local chippie Jacob Martin  is suddenly overcome with a strange tingling on the back of his neck and a slow liquid warm sensation seeping through his body. He should text Chloe and ask her how she is. Despite being the one to instigate the breakup (by acting...

Woman Whose Car Tyres Are As Bald As The Rock Sees No Issue With Dropping $2k On A New Tattoo

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs she looks in the mirror, local woman Lizzie Gordon comes to the shocking realisation that she hasn’t updated her appearance in at least six months. No changes in her hair colour, no new piercings. And sadly, no new tattoos either. If she was being honest with herself, Lizzie knows that this habitual urge to update her appearance usually...

“You Don’t Know My Story” Says Woman Who’s Plastered Every Last Minute Of Her Story On Facebook

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA mysterious woman has this week informed her followers that they might know her name, but they certainly do not know her story. Taking to Facebook, Jasmine Hynes wrote a lengthy post detailing why people should keep their opinions of her to themselves, seeing as they apparently don’t know anything about her - despite her pretty much using...

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