Italian Family Tries And Fails To Have Party Without Sparklers
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA Italian-Betootan family have been left feeling like a big bunch of stereotypes after trying, and failing, to have just one party without sparklers.According to great nonno Armando De Sapienza (98), he and his wife arrived in Australia with nothing but a suitcase full of suitcase handles (in case their suitcase handle broke) and the hopes of achieving...
Report: Living With Parents Not So Bad In Between Federal Elections
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA report into the current state of how fucked everything is as a young person in Australia has found a few crumbs of comfort amongst the sharpened saw dust of what was meant to be your savings account.
In a report by Betoota For Profit University titled ‘There Must Be Some Reason To Live Surely’ it was determined that...
Mate Whose Phone Battery Is Permanently On Red Says He’s Thinking About Getting An EV
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA group of friends have sounded the bullshit alarm in a Betoota pub this afternoon as they call out a fanciful story from a mate who wears more high-tech devices than a US Navy Seal.
Evan Taycan (34) is considered the token “crypto bro” within his group of old school mates, mainly because he was the only...
Local Father Doesn’t Like The Leftie Stove In Holiday Rental Unit
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A French Quarter sexagenarian has had the gloss taken off his Easter holiday break by the fact the Lake Betoota holiday rental he and the family are enjoying for the next seven days doesn't have a real stove.
"Look at this leftie crap," said Francis 'Frank' Helm as he pointed toward the induction stove.
"What's wrong...
‘Have We Got A Franga?” Asks New Rural Boyfriend, Immediately Killing The Mood
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAshlynn Venroy (28) has always liked to take on a man who is a bit of a project.Having dated a series of boof headed footy jocks, a few failed musicians and a DJ from the Gold Coast, Ash’s latest task is renovating Jaydon Bunster, a Tamworth man who’s moved to Sydney for work.Three months into their whirlwind romance,...
Snake In Nana’s Bathroom Stretched Out For Three Months Worth Of Yarns
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA local nana has her next quarter sorted as the snake she found in her bathroom will be strategically stretched out to cover the three months worth of yarns.Treating every day like it is a gift redeemable for crime dramas and game shows, Nana Yurt (84) of the Betoota Flight Path district often has to dig deep into...
Man In 30s Is Not Boring And Has The Receipts To Prove It
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA former partier has proven he’s still a big ol’ ball of fun even in his 30s and he’s got a fat stack of receipts to prove it too. Once a self-described pinger rat, James Orton (34) of Betoota Heights still finds himself up at 4am, although it’s usually to drink a healthy pre-workout liquid that resembles something he...
Local Woman Told To Not Rock Boat And Just Give In To In-Laws Ridiculous Demands
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA Betoota woman has been given a lesson in family and maritime safety by being told not to rock the boat and just give in to her in-laws ridiculous demands.Although Lucy McGil of Betoota Heights is a perfectly decent, virtuous young woman whose picture you could easily imagine at the beginning of a true crime doco, because of...
Awkward Balkan Bloke Gives His Date The Ič
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA young slavic lad has provided his heritage branded style of awkwardness and given his Tinder date the ič. While out on a date with another Balkan youth, that somehow wasn’t set up by one of his aunties, Betoota youth Luka Djodovic was telling his date Leah Majstorovic about his social basketball, Adidas jacket collection and why he reserves...
Local Florist Slaps Some Extra Zeros To The Bill Upon Hearing Customer Is Also Dress Shopping
STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTWEDDING TAX: Local florist Becky Maycroft has taken the term “wedding tax” to new heights after she reportedly slapped some extra zeros onto a bride-to-be’s quote upon learning she was also shopping for a white dress.
The incident, which occurred between local florist, Autumn’s Workshop and the prospective wife, Sarah Smith has left the small town of Betoota...