The Nation

PM: “I Can’t Restore JobKeeper Because This Lord Of The Flies Scenario Benefits Me Politically”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As Greater Sydney attempts to catch it's breath from the dangerous civil unrest that took place on the streets of the CBD over the weekend, Scotty From Marketing is relishing in a news cycle that detracts from his failings as a Prime Minister. With the NSW Police now putting together a special taskforce to identify the deranged protestors that...

IOC Confirm That Having A Generic English Commentator On Every Single Sport Is Mandatory

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The International Olympic Committee has moved to clarify an important TV viewership issue today. Speaking from Tokyo this morning, IOC President Thomas Bach confirmed that it's mandatory for all Olympic coverage to have at least one generic pasty English commentator. "Whether it is Rhytmic Gymnastics, Air Rifle or Skateboarding, it is essential that we have at least one...

Local Man Finds Himself Placing Bets On 10m Female Air Rifle Event

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local punter, Greg Waterman (35) has spent the last 12 hours placing wildly unfounded bets on extremely obscure Olympic events. "It started with the swimming. I like to think that I know a bit about Australia's Olympic strongsuit," he says. "The ping pong was a bit more of an exciting bet. I really was doing some research on the...

Ok, Tokyo Was A Good Idea

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In some breaking news from the city of Tokyo, it can be confirmed that the Olympics was actually a pretty good idea. This comes after an incredible World Record swim from the Women's 4 x 100m Relay team to bring home Gold for Australia. The Australian team of Bronte Campbell, Cate Campbell, Emma McKeon and Meg Harris finished...

Fire Breather Stoked To Draw A Decent Crowd For Once

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Fire breathing, and fire twirling is back! That's according to yesterday's protests in Sydney - after a since-detained man jumped at the opportunity to perform for a crowd much bigger than he'd ever get at BluesFest! With over 14 million people unable to work in lockdown, and tens of thousands slipping through the cracks of the government's reluctant and...

Report: Mum Pushing It A Bit With 3 Tuna Bakes In 3 Months

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An alleged cold war is taking place in Betoota Heights as mum of four Catherine Young has produced her third tuna bake in as many months. A seemingly reluctant family favourite, tuna mornay baked atop a bed of simply boiled penne is a staple of many Australian households and is considered a classic by many members of the caucasian...

PM Consults Strawberry Farmworkers For Tips On How To Pull Off A Nationwide Needle Roll-Out

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW: With just less than 3 million people fully immunised, Australia remains at the very bottom of the list of OECD nations when it comes to meeting our jab roll-out targets. Despite still very much lacking concrete metrics 18 months into the pandemic, and failing to set out clear timelines on when the country will be...

Woman’s Body Decides Halfway Through Tanning Application Is The Perfect Time For A Number 2

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A woman’s body has fallen into a rather unfortunate habit, having pavloved itself into needing a poo every time the tanning mitt came out. Sarah Field is alleged to have brought out the Bondi Sands Thursday night to prepare herself for a weekend of club-hopping. Due to her Irish/ English ancestry, Sarah had been cursed with translucent white skin,...

Lego Masters Winner To Receive $100k, Or 6 Lego Sets

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In lighter news, the Australian version of Lego Masters has been renewed for a fourth and fifth series giving budding Lego Masters a chance to win $100k, the equivalent to about six or so Lego sets. Based on the UK series of the same name, the little show that could has already produced three seasons, a daring feat considering...

“Ah Shittt… Almost Out Of Battery!” Lies Woman Desperate To Leave Zoom Drinks

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT During the lockdowns of 2020, Zoom hangouts became a popular way to socialise, being a little bit weird and awkward but emphatically preferable to staying at home with your social meter draining like a Sim. As insistent as ever to let another developed country be the best at something, almost 50% of the Australian population is in lockdown again...

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