The Nation

Man Spends Entire Engagement Party Avoiding The Cunt In Boat Shoes

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local plus one has spoken of a shocking experience he endured at an engagment party last weekend, telling The Advocate he barely made it out alive. Gregor Weldon, a townplanner at the Betoota Shire Council, was on handbag-holding duty at his wife's work friend's engagement party down at the Lake Betoota Amatuer Sailing Club...

Mathias Cormann Tells Taxpayers “I’ll Be Back – To Invoice You!” Before Boarding Private Jet

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Former Senator Mathias Cormann brought the house down in Perth earlier this week by sharing an iconic Arnold Schwarzenegger quote before boarding his private jet. "I'll be back," said Cormann in his native Belgian accent. "To invoice the lot of you!" As he said that, the Air Force crew and Cormann's own staff burst into laughter at...

Dan Andrews Raises Concerns Over WA’s 25 Active Cases Of Spicy Cough

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has warned Victorians about apply for travel permits to the nation's diseased West today as 25 cases of the spicy pangolin sneeze are still active in the state. The news comes as Queensland welcomes the hobbit folk of the deep south back to their bountiful bossum of sunshine from the...

Nation Unprepared To Act On Food Courier Deaths Until One Of Them Is A Handsome Young White Boy With Great Prospects And A Nice Family With Connections To High...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Five people have died delivering food to fat yuppie cunts too lazy to leave their home in the past two months. "Which means nothing, really," says a spokesperson from the Prime Minister's Office. "It's sad, don't get the Prime Minister wrong. He's instructed his team to send a message of condolence to the families of the...

Respect Our Troops Says Man Refusing To Listen To Troops Speaking Out About War Crimes

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Local patriot Phil Smith has today lashed out at the 'air-conditioned inner-city office snowflakes who are riding our troops into the ground.' "Mate, until you've served, you can't cast judgment on our brave troops," said the man who also hasn't served but is asking that a culture that covers up war crimes be allowed to go unchecked. "Shit happens...

Anti-Vaxxer With A Shitload Of Qantas Points Is About To Face Their Greatest Test

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter yuppie who's against vaccinating people is about to have his resolve to the cause tested after Qantas CEO Alan Joyce said anyone who wants to fly overseas on his planes needs a spicy sneezey cough cough jab. This stupid fucking yuppie is named Marc with a C and the reason why...

Berejiklian Admits To Breaking The Law But Honestly, What Are You Going To Do About It? Huh?

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The New South Welsh Premier Gladys Berejikilian has confirmed that she broke the law earlier this month by failing to isolate herself in the hours after taking a rapid spicy cough test. Instead of shutting herself away from the world, the Premier left her door open and spoke to multiple people whil awaiting test results...

Scientists Discover Traces Of Dangerous Virus In New Pile Of Victorian Sewage

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Scientists in Victoria have today made a shocking discovery. While running some routine checks on local sewage, researchers stumbled across another virus, that hadn't yet been formally identified in the science world. With a fine batch of local sewage in the form of the Australian and Herald Sun newspapers, the team were hoping to discover whether traces of...

Victorian Gov Eases Restrictions To Allow Benders – But Only Around The Appropriate Tables

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Victoria has all but seemingly crushed the spicy cough, leading the state's defacto leader Dan Andrews to give the people of Melbourne even more freedoms. From next week, up to six people from dix different households may gather around appropriate glass table outdoor settings to bend without time restriction. Bending is a Victorian pass time and...

Couple Manage To Visit Hamilton Island Without Sharing Photo Of The Cockatoos

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A young couple from our town's Betoota Heights corridor have just returned from Hamilton Island this morning, where they revealed they didn't share a photo of the 'fucking' cockatoos that loitered on their balcony like youths around a supermarket entrance. Staff at the iconic holiday destination have even gone as far as suggesting Annabel and...

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