The Nation

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Sporting a clinking backpack and a quiet disposition that makes eye contact all but impossible, a local 13-year-old boy has flown his Betoota Heights nest for the first time to drink in the park with his closest buddies. Francis Dollarhyde, son of a prominent orthopaedic surgeon and a well-liked early childhood educator, asked the trolley...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the Australian Medical Association has found that no one is required to give a third 'bless you' if they are in the presence of someone who can't get their shit together and go outside. "Three sneezes, particularly three really loud sneezes, is just too much pressure to put on those in your immediate presence" says...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Receiving the homebrewing kit for his birthday in August, one local waterproofer turned brewmaster got to sample his first batch this today after weeks of toil. And the results are in: it's the best beer he's ever tasted. Linden Monk took time out of his busy afternoon to talk to The Advocate about the process, sacrifice and personal hardship that...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A man waking from a big Thursday night wandered the streets of the French Quarter this morning, nervous because he didn't know where he was. "I thought I was in Betoota Ponds, all the street signs were in Betootanese Creole," he said. Our reporter ran into him in Des Jardin du Putain this morning where our...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local woman has cemented her status as office pariah today after she was seen taking single bites off multiple hot wings. It’s alleged the incident occurred during the annual office potluck, which should have been a good opportunity for workmates to get to know each other a glass of wine, and mutual love of cob loaf. However, for account coordinator Lynn...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The lukewarm success that is SAS Australia is coming to an end tonight as the final celebrities left learn if they're tough enough to join the nation's peak group of soldiers. However, one family favourite will not be joining them tonight after last night refusing to complete the show's penultimate challenge. "I am not going to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local aspiring jock who never quite reached the heights of local first-grade footy has today given his take on the war crimes in Afghanistan. Local accountant Kerry Roberts, who runs an army-style boot camp on Friday mornings and did 18 months in the Army Reserves explained that all these 'sheep' just don't get it. "Yeah, it's so fucking...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As Adelaide returns to a state of suspended animation, cars have begun to return and reclaim the city's weird bus tracks for themselves. The Advocate spoke briefly to SA Premier Steven Marshall, who explained that the editors of this masthead should be ashamed of themselves. "No, your newspaper has been blacklisted with my office," he said. "You...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact For the first time in over a week, South Australia has recorded no new cases of body in barrel. The news comes as the state's defacto leader, Steven Marshall, ordered a snap six-day lockdown yesterday that came into effect at midnight after 17 people this week were murdered and crammed into barrels then left to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Ahead of the State of Origin game 3 decider, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has made it clear that his allegiance once again is with his ‘mighty blue team.’ “I only have to buy the one scarf thus bringing us closer to surplus!” stated Mr Morrison as he waved his Cronulla Sharks flag, careful to cover the Penfolds stain it...