The Nation

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The head of local paramilitary group, Australian Border Force, has told reporters this morning that the computer meltdown affecting our nation's international airport borders will prepare incoming tourists well for our public transport network. The Australian Border Force, affectionately known as the 'blackshirts' by many in the community, say a malfunction in the e-passport system...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local government worker has arrived at work this morning to find the place empty. Martin Cleary, who does something with a computer inside the gargantuan Department of Primary Industries offices in our town's fabled Old City District, told The Advocate that not even the receptionist had bothered to turn up for work this morning. The...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact There are scenes of devastation at Betoota Airport today after a group of mates have been called to their gate to before finishing their round of drinks.  It’s believed one man is particularly distraught as it was he who bought the first 3 beers which cost $100.00.  Ben Bradley, the mate who started the round, was heard desperately trying to...

BINDI HESLOP | Local News | Contact Betoota local and self-proclaimed ‘free spirit’, Tyson (32) made it clear that he has no intentions to reconcile with his girlfriend of 6 months while downing a few Aperol Spritzes at Piere’s Wine Bar last night. “Haha, yeah! It’s sick, aye (sic)? It looks like a watch, but it’s actually just a bit of laser cut sheet...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Betoota Public School’s year 6 students are today gearing up for their biggest excursion to date. In what’s become a rite of passage for all 12-year-olds, the class of 2019 have packed their bags and are about to board a flight to the nation's capital, Canberra. While the students are bursting at the seams with excitement, the teachers look...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Just prior to the 2013 election, the 'tech' tab that sat atop the ABC News website disappeared - and it's yet to come back. And by the sound of things, a leaked internal ABC communiqué has all but confirmed it won't be back in time for this election. The Advocate can reveal that the current...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Speaking to The Advocate this afternoon, a local cat who often frequents our newsroom's designated smoking area in the downstairs courtyard said he doesn't even know why he even bothers having a tongue because his owners wash him so often. As our reporter and The Advocate's sports editor, Imran Gashkori, retired to the courtyard to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A human of Melbourne told friends this weekend past that 'his town doesn't get out of bed for less than 40 000' after being told the National Rugby League was celebrating that number of sports fan turning up to the first game played at the new Western Sydney Stadium on Saturday. Right-Side-Up Horseshoe Ribbert-Ribbert, a...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Our bustling inland metropolis has welcomed her first BMW dealership today after the German carmaker opened its doors in Betoota Heights this morning. Betoota's growing population of arseholes rejoiced especially at the news, as they now have more options in what they drive. For a generation, the fuckwits, arseholes, wankers and bourgeois pigs of our town...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Scientists from the nation's biggest money pit have revealed this morning that they've discovered a perfect man, thought to be the world's first recorded example, sitting in a Yamba pub over the Easter long-weekend. Barnaby Joyce, a lobbyist for big mining and agribusiness as well as a sitting member of the House of Representatives, was...