World News

Australian Stuck In Wuhan Thanks Government For Generous Evac Offer But Say’s She’ll Hang Tight

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young Australian woman named Bianca Sams has today told DFAT that she's all good, thanks. The rejection came after someone from the department offered her a one-way ticket from the Hubei province in China to the quaint little Island of Christmas off the coast of Indonesia. The Political Science student from Betoota University who was doing an...

NASA Announce Mars Volunteers Must Stand Outside In Penrith For An Hour To Pass Physical

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact If climate change deniers needed another sign that climate change is real and we are all going to die when Earth becomes a fiery hell, today’s announcement from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) might be the one to change their minds. NASA today announced that instead of conducting a heat stress test in a specialised chamber, would-be...

JK Rowling Reveals Australian Wizards Are Anti #changethedate

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Author of the best selling Harry Potter series and the gift that keeps on shitting, JK Rowling has made a shocking announcement that has sparked a heated debate amongst the Australian Harry Potter fandom. While shocking many, diehard Harry Potter fans claim they are not surprised, citing Rowling's transphobic tweet in late 2019 as evidence that she holds 'traditional',...

Zero Reception Referred To In Colleague’s OOO Seemingly Not Affecting Social Media Presence

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Young media professional Rhyce Lukas has been on holidays in a remote tropical location for the past 2 weeks and according to his out of office reply, he won’t be able to reply to any emails because there’s no reception, so if it’s not urgent it’ll have to wait until January 20 when he’s back in the office. To...

“Oscars Are So White” Says Hipster Who Hated The Wire Because She Couldn’t Understand ‘Them’

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT When it comes to representation on screen, one local Lena Dunham-enthusiast by the name of Brontè Brunswick (24) is sick of the excuses. The film and TV industry, particularly in Hollywood, is far too pale, male and stale. In fact, if it wasn't for the archaic 'Best Actress' category at the Academy Awards, Brontè is fairly certain there wouldn't even...

Prince Harry And Meghan’s Security Detail To Be Replaced By A Pitty Named Tyson

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT One significant roadblock to independence for Harry and Meghan has been removed today it can be confirmed. The Betoota Advocate can exclusively reveal, that $1.9 million issue of the Sussex's security detail has been solved by the purchase of a Pitbull named Tyson. The issue of protecting Harry, Meghan and Archie had been a sticking point for the breakup, with...

Unemployed Prince Harry Takes To Facebook With Vague Status About Being Sick Of The Drama

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the Royal family deals with the damning allegations made by Harry and Meghan, Harry has since thickened the plot with a vague, passive-aggressive Facebook status. After the fallout from he and Meghan's interview with Oprah, the young father took to his shared Facebook account to vent. Aimed a someone who probably 'knows who they are,' the popular,...

Fully Grown Australian Adult Seems To Give A Fuck About The Future Of The British Royal Family

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Betoota Grove woman who hasn't ever been to England, and hasn't ever met an English person that she likes, is today spending a bizarre amount of energy worrying about what Meghan Markle is doing to the British Royals. This follows the boring news that The Duke and Duchess of Sussex did not consult the Queen or...

Harry Wastes No Time Enrolling To Study Fitness After Meghan Lands A Gig With Residual Income

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The rogue Royals have wasted little time finding their feet it can be confirmed today.  Less that 24 hours after announcing that they would be going out on their own and attempting to break away from the Royal purse, Harry and Meghan seem to have already found alternative sources of income. In a profound display of independence, Harry has enrolled...

Local Big Unit Ready For WWIII After Years Of 360 No Scope Kills On Modern Warfare II Rust Map

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT While, he isn't exactly looking forward to World War 3, Michael Davison says he's ready if need be. The full-time IT Manager for Betoota Municipal Council issued a profound statement as the world nervously watches the situation in the Middle East. Reports emerged this morning of a couple of rocket strikes in the Green Zone of Iraq's capital...

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