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Prime Minister Scotty has today fronted the media to shut down all allegations that suggest he might be drifting away from his usual brand of Thatcher-Reaganism politics.
With Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton having already transitioned into a full blown leftie while in mandatory quarantine on Christmas Island, Liberal insiders worry this COVID-19 pandemic may permanently alter what their party stands for.
So far, the PM has agreed to double the Newstart Allowance, provide free childcare for all frontline workers and at-risk Australian families, all the while working with the Opposition to develop quick and compassionate resolutions to the issues faced by all citizens who are struggling in the face of the new social isolation-measures.
The Prime Minister’s new moderate Christian rebrand, which is completely void of any culture wars debate, appears to be striking fear into the usually very influential far-right organisations and policymakers at the IPA and Sky News.
However, it was yesterday’s insinuation that both commercial and residential renters deserve to be treated as equal to their landlords that has got everyone worried.
But it’s not just the fascist conservative think-tanks, that actually want to see old and immunocompromised Australians die, that are starting to worry about his shift in ideals.
Droves of inner-city lefties have this week been left distraught by the Prime Minister’s recent bump in popularity, according to Monday’s Newspoll.
“I HATE that people now like him!” says Banjo Clementè, a local Greens Party organiser from Betoota’s French Quarter.
“Has everyone forgotten that he goes to CHURCH every Sunday! Has everyone forgotten that he supports RUGBY LEAGUE!”
“It’s so typical of bogan Australians to show support for a politician who is giving them everything they need and want in times of unprecedented economic downturn related to a rapidly spreading virus that has proven to kill people indiscriminately”
However, Scotty has today addressed the claims that he is following his cabinet Minister Comrade Dutton down the deep rabbit hole of left-wing politics.
“Nah” he says.
“I’m not a leftie. Bugger that. I still believe if you have a go, you should get a go…”
“But I am starting to realise that sometimes it’s bloody hard to have a go because of the goes that life has dealt ya”
“But I’m not a hippy or nothin”
“I’m also starting to realise that we’ve created far too much policy that benefits a certain age group and class in this country, and it’s only starting to become obvious now that our entire society depends on delivery drivers and nurses”
“Also, haha. Fuck it must’ve been hard for those trying to live off $540 bucks a fortnight before this virus came along… Starting to look at poverty as more as a cycle than a choice… Weird but yeah, it is what it is”
“Anyway. It’s like I’m gonna start packing billies and listening to Rage Against the Machine like Dutton. Just look at this as more of a phase”
“It’s called SCOCIALSIM haha”