ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Striding home with a gut full of piss sloshing around in his tummy, West Betootanese apprentice carpenter Ellis Liston spotted another suitably intoxicated punter stumbling back to his flat on the other side of Bjelkemander Park.
In 2019 alone, there was nearly 40 muggings and seven stabbings in Bjelkemander Park in the space of six months – something that has the 18-year-old on edge.
“Yeah look, I don’t usually cut through the park this late at night and I typically wouldn’t do it alone. But last night I was just shit-faced, like walk into the pisser at the pub and bumble up to the urinal and just wet your pants type drunk,” he said.
“That and my feet hurt and I just wanted to get home. Anyway, I had to walk past this bloke in the park, which was fucked. Worst case scenario. So I puffed myself up a bit and made a lil’ eye contact on the way past,”
“Not too much, but just enough to let him know that I’d fuck him up if he tried anything. Know what I mean?” he said.
Much to the relief of Betoota’s only triage neurologist, the two were able to pass each other on that darkened path without incident.
Dr Campbell Dearden has seen too many of the town’s youth come through his operating theatre in the past few years and he wants to extend his congratulations to the pair for acting like adults.
“The only time violence is justified is if you come across somebody with absolutely no spatial awareness who walks slower than Kim Beazley,” said Dr Dearden.
“By all means, deliver a swift judo chop to the brain stem, at the top of the neck and just watch them fold like a private school boy in handcuffs,”
“Other than that, keep your bloody hands to yourselves! Stop punching each other!”
More to come.