FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT
All Chrysler 300C drivers probably know somebody who knows somebody, a new report has revealed.
The report, commissioned by the Australian Federal Police, uncovered that all 300C drivers involved in the study directly or indirectly knew people who could solve certain problems, procure certain items, or even make certain people or objects disappear as required.
“What we have found is that drivers of this particular make and model of motor vehicle seem to have a wide circle of acquaintances, although they had a very poor memory when asked for more details about these particular persons of interest” explained AFP Sergeant Charles Rugburn.
“Another interesting discovery is that the number of useful acquaintances each 300C driver knew was proportional to the retail price of the wheels fitted to the vehicle and also the darkness of the tint”.
Although the full results of the report were not finalised after some of the statisticians overdosed on certain substances and others disappeared after asking too many questions, Rugburn explained the results could not be extrapolated to other vehicles.
“This is a very unique situation where the results are not only not relevant to vehicles from other manufacturers, but not even relevant to other Chrysler products. Earlier studies have shown that Chrysler Voyager owners are only familiar with shitty transmission gaskets and Jeep owners are only familiar with the terms and conditions of their Warranty”
Sargeant Rugburn was unavailable for further comment as he had to take care of some “urgent family business” which appeared to be related to a note constructed from cut out newspaper letters.