LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Home affairs minister and recent human-rights activist Peter Dutton is reported to be on a hunger strike while being held in Quarantine at Christmas Island Detention Centre.
Dutton has been detained against his will, with no timeline for release, since March 13, after testing positive for COVID-19 when he recklessly flew back from Washington D.C and went straight to a cabinet meeting with our Prime Minister.
However, a lot has changed since the Member For Dickson’s incarceration.
Most notably is the erosion his fascist ex-corrupt-drug-cop tendencies – as his time in a cell reprograms the 49-year-old away from his factional far-right political ideologies.
Having experienced first hand the inhumane conditions he has put asylum seekers (and himself) through, Dutton is now leading the detention centre in a hunger strike in hopes of raising awareness for the squalor he is forcing himself to live in.
But could he possibly say no to his favourite meal?
Reports from the detention centre state that even when offered a bowl of human blood (with his favourite spoon) the Home Affairs minister maintained he would refuse to eat until someone at the top listened up and did something about life in detention.
“You won’t win me over that easy,” declared Dutton as saliva poured from his mouth like sugar syrup and sniffing at the bowl of his ‘fun-time dinner.’
“You fool, that isn’t even the blood of my enemies. No thank you!”
According to Dutton, quality of life for asylum seekers such as him could be improved with a basic Foxtel package and some AirPods, things he is willing to starve himself in order to get.
“I will abstain from feasting until such a time that all men are treated as equal. Only then we will feast. Oh yes. Then we shall feast.”
“…Preferably on the blood of neoliberals like Turnbull and Bishop who have spent their careers making me feel dumb”
At time of press, Comrade Dutton was jammin on the ukulele to “Jack” by Xavier Rudd.
MORE TO COME.