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After spending her entire life avoiding being tortured and killed by a tyrannical terrorist organisation that has taken control of her home country after several failed US military operations, one opportunistic refugee has today received the news she’s been waiting to hear for years.
Sharon* (named changed) was absolutely stoked to hear about the recent medivac bill that was voted through the Australian parliament last night.
“Gotdam Kerryn Phelps! She’s just opened the borders for me” said the stateless and war-wear mother of three, while speaking to Betoota Advocate reporters through a barbed wire fence of refugee camp in a rare ceasefire zone between two hostile Middle Eastern nations.
“I’ve been following the Australian news cycle quite closely actually, for my whole life.”
“I’ve just waiting for a weak Labor government so that I can begin my seven year voyage to the shores of the Land Down Under”
As Sharon points out, she’s learnt through a very clear communication channel between Australian Border Force and several hundred different South-East Asian people smugglers, who passed it on to the Middle Eastern people smugglers, who sent the word out through the camps that are currently being called home by millions of dispossessed human beings on the back of Europe – that the Liberal Government has always been tough on boats.
But last night things changed. With the Federal cross-bench teaming up with Labor to support an immediate medivac bill to provide treatment to sick and dying asylum seekers in Australian off-shore detention prisons, Sharon can see her lucky ticket outta here!
“We are getting ready now. All I’ve gotta do is find someone to transport me for a couple months via boat from here, to somewhere in Indonesia, then from there we’ll get another boat that will aimlessly float through the trade routes above Darwin – then we’ll get picked up by Border Force before we die of exposure and spend five years getting processed on Nauru, then with any luck I’ll develop a horrific medical condition that is so bad our privately contracted security guards feel the need to Skype back home to Australia for some professional advice. Then, God-Willing, if more than two doctors say we are so sick we are going to die without seeing proper doctors in Adelaide or Sydney, then they might be able to convince the minister to sign off on our temporary medical evacuation to Australia – where we will receive treatment under armed guard.
“It’s that easy” said Sharon.
“I look forward to experiencing a month of asylum in an Australian hospital sometime next decade.