ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A melon-coloured Ralph Lauren polo shirt has told The Advocate – and many people around it that now is not the time to start investing in the share market.
There is more pain to come, it says.
Unsolicited financial advice often comes from pastel-coloured polo shirts, typically when the collar is in the upright position but today’s instance is a rare collar down event.
The polo shirt, which spends on average, one day a fortnight on the back of a man-boobed former private schoolboy with an inflated sense of self-worth, insists the other polo shirts in town are wrong.
From the walk-in wardrobe within the Federation-style mansion it calls home on the shores of Lake Betoota Beach, the leafiest and most exclusive enclave of Betoota Grove, the polo shirt explained why now is not the time to jump in.
“Look, before we get into this, I need to tell you that I’m a bull. I’m a member of the bull gang. We got AfterPay to $41 so don’t roll your eyes at me, bro,” he said.
“Bro, when America actually suffers the worst of COVID-19, like, the Dow is going to nosedive like we’ve never seen before. It will be an unprecedented event. God! I sound like a pussy ass bear bro,”
“Dude, I’m telling you. Just hoard your cash up and wait till I tell you to jump in.”
When asked what share our reporter should buy in this hypothetical situation where he has money and doesn’t regret doing something better with his time, the polo shirt said he couldn’t ethically give out that advice for free.
“Blue chips, bro. Read Warren Buffett’s book. Buy low and never sell anything until it is worth significantly more than what you bought it for. It’s pretty simple, bro. You seem like a smart guy, I don’t need to tell you what to buy.”
More to come.