WINNING: America’s current need for a win is outmatched only by their need for new leadership.

Luckily, President Donald Trump has taken to the Rose Garden to announce his latest win and how that will help the people who voted for him who still don’t have jobs.

“I beat you, I beat you, I beat you,” stated Mr Trump as he pointed at members of the press that he was letting live, for now.

“You told me to stop hitting myself, no one tells me what to do, I like it, I do, I hit myself and I like it, don’t tell me to stop hitting myself I’m an expert.”

Footage from the address shows that Mr Trump continued to field questions with his right hand while his tightly clenched left hand continued to pound his face so severely that it began to behave like a normal human face, bruising and bleeding. 

“I can’t stop hitting myself, I never can, never can. If I stop hitting myself Mexico wins and Mexico doesn’t win, I win and I hit myself, believe me.”

White House press secretary and Pinterest Name of The Year winner Kayleigh McEnany, states that the President’s self-harm is not the concern of the press who have misunderstood his intentions.

“He’s just a very passionate guy,” stated McEnany, trying to ignore the audible thumps the President’s fist was making against his crumbling cheek implants in the next room.

“What you fake news media guys need to remember is that he has beaten you all. You thought he would stop hitting himself but he hasn’t and now you look like fools.”

“Y’all thought he didn’t have hands big enough to hurt his face but you were wrong about that too. Even though he still looks very handsome.”

Unfortunately, the USA Presidents constant self-harm has not affected his ability to tweet as he already typed his tweets using one finger to begin with.



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