CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Now that the thousands of people who bought tickets to the Hillsong Sydney Conference have finished hugging and giving eachother high-fives, Prime Minister has told Australians to practice more “social distancing” in an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19
These measures include not shaking hands with other people and not going to licking those pleather handle straps on city trains.
Mr Morrison says the new advice was agreed upon at today’s national Cabinet meeting.
But Australians are a notoriously social people who feel heartbroken every time we deliver a lacklustre handshake. What are we do to?
The Betoota Advocate has sat down with the many different male-dominant sporting clubs in our town to pry advice from our town’s residents that are forced to embrace every time someone achieves something during a weekend fixture.
Here’s what they came back with.
1 . The Obama
Before America had a President cool enough to know how to fist bop, The Obama existed only in the streets, or in the front bar of cricket clubs after a wicket-keeper might have broken his thumb.
75% less chance of coping the COVID-19 with this bad boy. It’s also the least clunky type of greeting to initiate when you don’t want to touch hands.
The Elbow Tap
The Elbow Tap is the closest a greeting can get to 100% safe of contracting COVID-19.
According to the Betoota Dugongs, it is most popular with grade cricketers who may have injured their fingers – or someone who is holding four schooners at once and heading straight past ya.
The Bum Tap
The Bum Tap is iconic to Australian mateship and men’s sport, but is also prominent amongst groups of girls who are excitedly walking across a busy street while drunk. The Bum Tap is a loving greeting when appropriate – but best shared between closer friends of the same gender. When greeting new people, the elbow tap is probably your go-to.
The Willie Mason
As our respondents from The Betoota Dolphins RLFC have advised: This type of greeting is for really, really close friends.
Again, best shared between two people of the same gender. Or two blokes who have previously shared a change room together and don’t mind it when the other one grabs his cock.
Unfortunately, short of grabbing a handful of areola, there is no equivalent greeting for women.
If you’ve been half-pissed around Queenslanders – you would be familiar with this greeting.
More common during times celebration – when they’ve got their hands full of either nibblies, ciggies or a jar of cold lager ‘The Queenslander’ is the most simple and loving way to say hello to each other.
The gentle gyrating of genitals is the easiest option for when once can not involve their hands in a greeting. Easily the safest and politest way to avoid spreading Coronavirus.