The Federal Government acted with “self-congratulation” and “hubris” by not learning lessons and not preparing Victoria for its devastating outbreak of coronavirus in aged care facilities that have killed over 100 people since Melbourne’s second wave, a royal commission has heard.

So far there have been 220 deaths of aged care residents due to COVID-19, which makes up 70% of the nation’s deaths.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been quick to defend his government’s role in the binfire, by stating that all of these deaths were unforeseeable despite the fact they were quite seeable to the state governments who were powerless to do anything.

One counsel assisting the commission delivered the strong criticism in his closing remarks to a week of emergency hearings, called to examine how the coronavirus pandemic entered Australia’s nursing homes.

“What we have found is that by simply being old in Australia, you have a much higher chance of being abused and dying without any dignity at the hands of an easily avoidable medical condition” said the QC.

“It has become quite apparent that elderly Australian would in fact enjoy a better quality of life and far more vigilant care from the Victorian prison system”

“In fact, if you are over 70 years of age and your family are not overly interested in having you around, your best bet would be to hang around at a truck stop on the rural outskirts of any major city until you see someone whose entire identity is built around his recreational interest in motorbikes”

“From there, you should ask him if he can sell you a stolen police-issue Glock-9”

“It should cost you about eight hundred bucks to a grand on the street. Probably more if they’ve filed off the registration code”

“Once you’ve got the nine, you go through the same paces to buy bullets, but probably a best bet to avoid buying it from the same bloke, just so they don’t become an accesory to any crimes you may commit with the firearm”

“The last thing you want is to be put in the box at your local courthouse and asked questions about your relationship with a motorcycle club”

“Anyway, take the loaded gun to the nearest CBD, and begin firing it at random police officers who are working the beat unarmed”

“Once you clip one, ideally one the shoulder or butt cheek, throw your gun to the ground and put your hands up”

“If you survive the resulting arrest without breaking a hip, you will likely be sent to a medium prison for the reason of your natural life, where you will be monitored every minute of the day and fed cold meat with stale bread for every meal”

“This would be better than living in a church-run or privatised nursing home”

“You would legitimately have less of a chance of dying there”

“That concludes today’s report findings”



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